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  1. The Red Nickel Demons Dance

    Tuesday, April 9, 2013

    The Red Nickel Demons Dance



    “I shouldn’t have had so many children.  I should’ve only had three like my sister.”
    “But Grandma, then you wouldn’t have my mother or me.”
    “So, you wouldn’t know me.”
    “Noooooo, Grandma, don’t say that.  I love you.  Don’t you love me?”
    “You wouldn’t be here.  You wouldn’t know me.”


    God, do you remember that I’m here?  Please don’t forget about me, God.  Grandpa said you see  everything.  I hope you do.  I really hope you do.


    “I miss my mother.  I want my mother.”
    You have to be an understanding child!  Your mother is a sick girl!”


                                                                 “Go be nice to your fucken self.”


    “How come I don’t have a father?”
    “He’s from a communist country!  He can’t be with you.  Pretend like he’s dead.  It happens.  What if he was dead?”
    “But he’s not dead.”


                                        “Your mother was one of seven, and no one could take you in?!”


    “If I knew you then, I would’ve adopted you.”


    “If you don’t eat, I’m going to have to put you in a foster home.  I can’t keep you here if you don’t eat.”


    “You better never do anything wrong, I’m tellin’ you.  Your life won’t be worth a red nickel!”


    A whore and a virgin at the same time?  Had to look up whore in the dictionary and it didn’t make sense.  What does sexually loose mean?  Why does my aunt say that to me?  How can I be something I don’t even understand?  I’m not sexually anything.  I’m twelve. 


    “You want a hug!?  Wait, one day the fellas will hug you.”
    “I want you to hug me, Grandma.”
    “What’s wrong with you?  My children didn’t act like this.  Except the sick ones.  You better be careful.”


    “There’s nothing more important than family.  Don’t ever forget that!”


    “You sit all hunched over and your mouth hangs open.  You look like a monkey.”


    He played a song for someone else and the lyrics went, “I want to be your number one…”    


    “You’re always crying.  You’re going to turn out just like your mother.  You better be careful, I’m tellin’ you!”


                                          “You are not going to like yourself if you do anything with him.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   “You could do worse.”


    “Don’t ever talk about your family.”


    “I’ve been trying to back off.  You, not so much.”


    “You should drop out of college.  It’s all wasted on a nigger-lover like you.”


    He took the picture of me down.  He had it up and called me fascinating.  Now it’s gone.   Wish I felt nothing about that.


    “I ain’t be seein’ nobody ‘cuz when I’m with somebody and they do me wrong, then I do me wrong.  So I ain’t be seein’ nobody.”


    So many of these so-called big strong men are weak little boys, Mindy, who need the next woman lined up and ready if they even feel a chance of being alone for a minute.


                                                                  Back off.”


                                                                      “She’s ignoring me.”



    “Carol’s mother says you don’t have confidence.  What’s wrong with you?!  Why does she say that?”


                                                                            “You’re better than that!”

    Am I?  Am I?


    Toyed with.


                            “Don’t let anyone toy with your life.”


    He played a song for someone else and the lyrics went, “I want to be your number one…”


    “You shouldn’t have been born.  If I knew you were going to turn out like this, I’d have had your mother have an abortion.”


                                                           He wrote that he pissed me off, and then he LOL’d.


    “You act common… like a common girl.  I’m disappointed in you.”


                                                                                                                                                                 He LOL’d. 


    “If you do anything wrong, you can just throw yourself down a river.”


    “We attract people who we recognize as human based on what we grew to know as home.”
    “You can’t say that to me.  You don’t know what that means.”
    “That’s where we start, but we grow from there.”



    Maybe I need to cry, and he is my onion.  Maybe I miss my family.  That can be dangerous.  Maybe it is my default position to slip into something ill-fitting and emotionally abrasive enough to call home. 


    The cat should scratch him.  It’s so deeper than crabby.

  2. 5 comments:

    1. RHC said...

      We must be vigilant for the default position engages automatically.

    2. Mary said...

      Tears. Some of what was said to you as a child, was said to me by my adult.

    3. Anonymous said...

      Amazing, these hurtful comments stay with us for a lifetime, yet I'm sure not a rational thought was given before they were carelessly tossed out there.

    4. People, I hardly shared this blog link compared to my normal mailing. I was mixed about writing it, posting it, letting anyone know about it. But after coming home from work and seeing these validating and supportive comments, I may send the link to the folks I normally send it to.

      Rhonda, it involves such constant emotional work to stay vigilant. When I was tired and sat for a while, I hooked up with my ex-husband. That could've been okay for a short while. But I guess it was hard to get back up.

      Mary, thank you so much for your dedicated interest. Thank you for sharing personally in your comments. I know a number of people named Mary, so I wonder if we know each other from elsewhere or just here.

      Lisa, I can see from the results that our childhood experiences were very different, so I thank you very much for understanding and offering comfort. Just acknowledging the painfulness helps.

      Don't ever think a comment doesn't matter. Everything matters.

    5. She So Funny said...

      Love this honest, poignant post... ~S

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