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  1. Mindy's Monday

    Monday, December 14, 2020


    So the day began with my bladder ordering me awake.  The neighbor upstairs was doing his workout upstairs involving heavy equipment that he drags along his floor/my ceiling, and he drops weights and all kinds of things that make me feel I will die by ceiling.  So I couldn’t go back to sleep.  I was still tired and needed my dream time.  But I went out to get coffee and a bagel.


    Physically, I have been feeling somewhat weak, so instead of going to my preferred store, I went to a closer store.  I asked for a buttered bagel lightly toasted.  When I got home, I saw I had a partially burnt roll lightly buttered.  We both spoke English well, so it wasn’t a misunderstanding.


    I was hungry, so I ate most of it.  I wanted to go back to sleep, but the MF-er upstairs was doing his thing – treating the apartment like a gym.  It wasn’t built to be a gym, so this is a problem.  He seems to also run track up there.  I’ve made contact with him twice in the past and even told the super.  I have not told the landlord yet because I was hoping we could solve this without doing that.  In other ways he seems like a decent person.  I might have liked him if he didn’t live above me.  I took a big stick I have and banged on the ceiling a lot.  He eventually stopped.  

    I checked email and was encouraged by an email from the executive director of City Lore.  He asked for my okay to include a poem of mine in the Corona Archives and to use in a future exhibit. Oh yes!  Fine with me. The poem was about when we heard Biden was announced the winner of the presidential election.  He said I caught the moment.  That felt good.  I need to feel good.

    I went back to sleep.


    Disturbing dreams as usual, but they have to happen so that I may have some peace when awake.


    Woken by someone knocking on my door.  It was the delivery of a package from a beautiful woman I was lucky to have as a boss for four years several years ago.  She made a difference in my life, and I often relive times with her in my mind just to feel better. 


    I haven’t opened the package yet; I like to elongate the anticipation.


    I fell back asleep, and then it was night.  See how topsy-turvy my life has become?  I lost my job before the pandemic and then everything just became harder.  But honestly, with the new administration at that job, I wouldn’t have lasted there anyway.  It became almost the opposite of what it was 18 years earlier when I began working there. 


    I went out to some stores.  In the Mexican place where I was waiting for my chicken tacos, a man who is a regular in the neighborhood, came into the store (which is small and only allows one person at a time now) to try to sell me a pocketbook for $5.  The owner told him he couldn’t be there without a mask.  He left, and on his way out, told me, “I just want to get something to eat.”  I told him, “I know.”  I got my tacos, paid with a five-dollar bill and got a dollar back.  When I left the store, I gave him the dollar.  There are days when I am searching pockets, under couch pillows, old pocketbooks, etc. for change. So I know one day I might miss that dollar, but tonight, I was able to spare it.  He thanked me and said, “God bless you.”


    When I returned, I checked my mail and there was a fat envelope from my friend Liz who I met in my twenties at a corporate job. She was one of the rare ones with humanity.  She kept me afloat during those trying years.  I haven’t opened that yet either. 


    I often feel God has blessed me even if as a child, I wondered if God knew I was here.

      5th night of Hanukkah



    So much love to CGG-M. 💚 💛 💜

  2. Survived Thanksgiving

    Tuesday, December 1, 2020


    I slept most of Thanksgiving Day.  People called and left messages on my land line’s answering machine.  I heard the messages as they came in.  One was from a friend and former co-worker, Steven.  He said that he hoped I wasn’t alone.

    Thanksgiving was typically a hard holiday for me since childhood.  It’s very family-oriented, and I had a hard family experience. Then it continued to feel like a sad holiday for me with the exception of the years my once-friend Brenda invited me to join her family.  She had two adorable children, and I had a wonderful toddler.  She had a high chair in her apartment, so we were set.  My son loved being with her children.  His cheeks were covered with mashed potatoes by the end of the meal.  

    Those were precious times, but, for me, the holiday always felt difficult.  Eventually Brenda moved away in more ways than one.  I was in an unhappy situation, so no matter what went on for the holiday, I felt sad. Years later, more developments happened that just made the holiday worse. Eventually, I began to act as if it weren’t a holiday, and I treated it as any other day.

    A friend in New Jersey, Barbara, had invited me for Thanksgiving, but I don't eat indoors with other people at this time.  Too risky for me.  So I declined.

    As I sleepily listened to my friend Steven’s message saying he hoped I wasn’t alone, I thought, no that’s fine. I’ve had Thanksgivings spent with a person who claimed to love me and made me miserable.

    Being alone was fine.  It is COVID-free, and I do whatever I care to and eat whatever I feel like.  I can choose to not get dressed, watch whatever I want on TV, write, sleep, clean, whatever.  I'm not dealing with anyone else's hostility.  Of course it can be better, and I hope next year it will be.  But I wasn’t feeling bad about being alone.  I’ve been way lonelier when not alone. 

    My best buddy and I spoke on the phone later that night.  I ate pizza.  He had oral surgery two days before, so he had Ensure for Thanksgiving.  But we had our 40+-year-friendship and laughter on the phone (aside from grumbling about everything).  I’d give up a fancy dinner for that any day.






    Much love to CGG-M ❤❤❤