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  1. Bubbling

    Friday, August 14, 2020

     












    I am bubbling with appreciation.  After my last blog entry, a former colleague (who works in a partner program from where I worked) told me he enjoyed the blogs and wanted to send me some money as a “subscription fee.”  He seemed to be concerned about my feelings about being offered money.  I felt bad that he was concerned I might be insulted.  I’m not.  He has always been kind to me, and there’s no reason for me to have mixed feelings about his generosity.  I know the difference.  I’ve received monetary gifts from those who want my silence and from those who just want to feel good about themselves.  There’s a huge difference when someone just wants to help me out.  It’s pure.

     

    Joe Biden selected Kamala Harris as VP.  She wasn’t my first choice, but I think  they are a good balance.  A friend once described her as an ass-kicker.  She is.  They won’t be calling her “Sleepy Kamala.”  And she must scare the SHIT out of the orange one.  Biden and Harris have my support.  People, please put aside your specific preferences and vote for Biden.  Puh-leese.  Neither Biden nor Harris would have ruined thousands of children’s lives by separating them from their parents and losing them to be trafficked to a Jeffrey Epstein-type island. 

     

    I’m sorry if many of you feel like you have to choose the lesser evil, but please do.  PLEASE.  I don’t think I can bear any more torment by a malignant narcissist.  I’ve painfully learned how dangerous they can be even when not in charge of a country.  It’s no joke.  They have no bottom in terms of how low they are willing to go.  They are willing to F up their own children.  I’ve seen it up close and personal.  My heart is torn over personal narcissistic damage, not just to me but to my dearest loved ones.

     

    Narcissists proudly leave a path of destruction.  I’ve learned that the terribly hard way.


    Regarding the pandemic, I’m not in the position of having a school-aged child at this time.  I consider myself lucky not to have to handle parenthood in a pandemic.  I’m sure it would be a very challenging time for all.  But I doubt I would risk his life by sending him to school next month.  My son was always more important to me than money.  I wish Trump felt the same.

      

    I’m gratefully attending a poetry workshop on line.  It’s one I’d been attending in person for some years on and off when I was able to.  They took it to Zoom during this pandemic.  My computer has no webcam or mic, but the workshop leader, David Elsasser (Happy birthday, David), makes it work for me anyway.  I am truly grateful.  I send him my poem and he screen-shares it.  After all the feedback, we speak on the phone and he puts me on speaker.  He makes it all work out.  It is truly one of the highlights of my week. 

     

    I’d been working on a poem addressing the women who act like I’m after their husbands.  It was nuts at one of my previous jobs regarding that.  And even up the block where a woman whose man is a drug dealer seemed to think that.  I was like are you fucking kidding me?  I wanted none of them.  So it was long due for a poem.

     

    I was concerned if the poetry workshop folks would get what I’m saying, but they didn’t let me down. ❤💗❤

     

    I look forward to returning to comedy again.  I hope I’m still funny.


    I just learned a film I acted in several years back is now released and going world-wide!!!  I hope I get discovered by someone in a position to change my financial situation.  I played a substitute teacher.  The director was a lovely man to work with -- Abdu Dandridge.  The film, PRESSURE, is available for rent or purchase.





     


    Big love to CGG-M every day.  💕💕💕💕

     

     

     

     

     

     


  2. Just Being Grateful

    Sunday, August 9, 2020

     

    I went to the store earlier.  On my way back home, there had been a collision on the Grand Concourse.  Both were SUVs, and one had Virginia plates.  It was where I’d have been crossing the street.  These are the moments I feel God/dess is cloaking me.  👼

     

    I had looked for my feline friend, Mustache, who lives in the discount store, twice today.  Didn’t see her.  When she does see me, she seems to be exclaiming, “Where you been?”  I tell her I’ve been by looking for her, but she doesn’t understand all that.  😻

     

    Later, I went to a store that only allows one customer at a time.  The man in front of me tied his dog to a pole outside.  The dog seemed so cool with everything.  When the human went inside, I said hello to the dog.  S/he wagged and came right over.  I petted her/him.  S/he was so loving.  When the dog’s human returned, I said, “I hope you don’t mind.”  He said, “It’s fine.” 

     

    Getting some dog love on 198th Street was so wonderful.  Dogs might just be the best people on Earth. 

     

    In decluttering news:  Just threw out a written phone message (remember when people wrote down who called, when, and what about?) from 2002.  I think at some point I felt my life stopped when I felt very stuck in a situation I needed out of.  Now decluttering is truly an adventure back in time, and it is both emotionally disturbing and satisfying. 

     

    In a bit of poetry news, Highland Park Poetry selected a poem of mine.  


     

    In comedy news: 

     

     

     


    Much love to CGG-M   💕

    Healthy birthday to Brenda W.   🎂

     

     


  3. How I'm Doin'

    Monday, July 27, 2020








    I enjoy the sensation of running my fingers through my just washed and dried hair.  So soft and smooth and clean.

    I’ve been pushing through molasses.  My big accomplishments today were taking out garbage, buying food, washing my hair, buying dental floss, walking up the stairs instead of taking the elevator, and returning one phone call.  If you saw/knew my situation, you’d agree that much more needs to happen.





    There are folks who don’t think they are doing much, but they ARE, in my opinion.

    My friend Leighann Lord, who normally does stuff like this:  



    is now doing things like this:  





    People are zooming shows and open mics, and I’m just trying to de-clutter, clean, eat, not lose another tooth, return phone calls and emails (I’ve been awful about that), write a poem once a week, come up with comedy material every now and then, live in spite of too much heartache and way too little money.

    I was asked if I wanted to participate in a socially distant dating show.  said, “Nah. I don’t want to date. It’s more dangerous than COVID-19.”

    One day, I fell in and out of sleep all day and had intense dreams -- the kind I was relieved to wake up from and realize they were dreams. 

    Last night, I had pasta at 3:50AM.  That’s how I’m doing.


    Love to CGG-M always. 💕  





  4. I am proud to say I de-cluttered for over an hour yesterday.  Without getting caught up in reading them, I tore up letters from a relationship from 1979.  Amongst the letters were a few interesting items.  One was a photo of me at a Halloween party on Heath Avenue in the Bronx where I was dressed as a mermaid.  I had made the costume.  I was probably a size 5 at that time.  Back then, I wanted to get to a size 9.  Now I’d like to be anywhere in that zone.




    Yesterday, I was waiting to enter a store that lets in one customer at a time.  I appreciate that they do that.  A man, unmasked, was near me outside the store and not keeping distance.  He was speaking on the phone and, I’m sure, generating droplets.  He stood right near me.  I don’t assume it is not caring.  I got the feeling he was clueless and simply unaware of himself.  I had a jacket on due to the drizzling.  I lifted up my jacket and hid my face from his breath.  I used my jacket as a curtain.  He was so engrossed in his conversation, I don’t think he noticed.  I didn’t say anything to him.  But all this shit worries me.  There are only a few stores in my immediate neighborhood that take such precautions.  They both catch hell from idiots.  My pharmacist told me those people’s brains are turned upside down. 

    “Like the country and the president,” I said.  She nodded but was careful not to say anything.  The places that actually care to keep us safe catch all the hell.

    I hope I didn’t make myself sick when I decluttered.  My throat feels a bit sore.  I gargled with Listerine when I first felt it.

    I saw my feline friend, Mustache, twice today at the discount store.  We had two love sessions.  It feels like therapy for both of us.  Goddess knows, I need it.  And judging from Mustache’s reaction to me, she needs it too.

    Sprinkled into my lethargy have been some bright moments.  The publisher of Home Planet News accepted all four short poems I sent him for their November publication.  The director of City Lore requested one of my poems about living through the pandemic to be included in their archives. 

    I do look forward to being able to earn money.  I had some ease from a tax refund, but that has ended.  I’m f’d again.  I could really use another relief check from the government.  I’m sure most people need it.  I can’t wait to have the orange one voted out.  He’s even killing off some of his own base with his insanity.  That’s what happens when image is more important than reality.

    I was part of a poetry event on July 9th that was done through zoom.  don’t have a webcam or mic in my desktop computer.  So I didn’t think I could be part of it.  The woman organizing the event, Lucy Aponte (Director of the Poe Park Visitors’ Center), knows me and wanted me in it.  She was so accommodating.  Lucy told me I could call in.  So while I can see and hear everyone else, they couldn’t see me.  They heard me on the phone.  The event was great.  The line-up, so talented.  Lucy has good taste.  Aside from poetry, there was a piano performance of two Beatles’ songs and a Tango for two men dance performance.  After the presentations, there was time for getting to know each other.  One of the very talented writers, Maria Aponte, spoke on all the accents she heard and how the “woman on the phone” sounded like New York.  I was the “woman on the phone.”  I was so thrilled.  There are too many people out there (who consider themselves progressive) who think I should lose my Bronx accent.  At a past teaching job, the administrative staff wouldn’t say it directly, but they considered it acceptable to mimic and mock my Bronx accent.  We worked in the Bronx, and they didn’t even have any awareness of how much they disrespected Bronx people/students.  Fuck that.  I am able to sound less Bronx and would do it for an acting role, but as a real person, I like sounding like where I come from.  A poet I know, Rosette Capotorto, a Bronx Italian who moved to New Jersey, said she vowed to never lose her Bronx accent.  I loved her more after I read that.




    Love to CGG-M ❤❤❤



  5. Doing Something

    Sunday, June 21, 2020



    It’s been a while, I know.  In so many ways I feel like I’m pushing through molasses.  There are so many things I’ve neglected.  In those ways, I depress myself.

     

    Day after day, it’s one horror after another.  Yet I still watch the news.  still read the news. 

     

    Some days ago, my buddy and I decided to try having breakfast together at an outdoor diner in Yonkers.  I actually sat in his car which I hadn’t in months.  The place in Yonkers did everything right.  The paper menus were one-use only and then tossed.  The tables were disinfected and more than 6 feet apart in their parking lot which they turned into a tent by having a tarp providing shade.  The wait staff was masked, gloved, and seemed glad to be working. 

     

    At some point, I walked to the curb to have a cigarette.  I was staring at the traffic.  Across the street, a white man sat in his double-parked car.  It seemed he was waiting for someone.  A black man entered his own parked vehicle, but was having difficulty getting his car out of the spot.  He got out, walked over to the double-parked car and said something.  The white man nodded, started his car and pulled up, giving the other man more room.  The black man was able to get his car out, and he drove off.  Nothing about this would have gotten my attention normally since this was an ordinary event, but it struck me because of the man who fell asleep in his car at a Wendy’s drive-thru.  Nobody, to my knowledge, knocked on his window to say, “You have to move your car” or “You’re holding up the line.”  Instead the police were called, and I don’t have to tell you what that led to.  Another death of an unarmed black man by the police. 

     

    What has chilled me most has been the hangings.  It really got to me when a noose was hanging from a tree in Van Cortland Park in my Bronx.  When I read the article, it got worse.  Bronx people reported it to the 50th precinct.  The police response was infuriating. 

     

    https://gothamist.com/news/reports-nooses-van-cortlandt-park-met-nypd-indifference-bronxites-allege?fbclid=IwAR1bD5lQF6yO2DrZqIxrlncwIompystAOL-kAwsa7DdP_lNNOU32JebrH2Y

     

    I was awake much of the night.  The image was haunting me.  I felt helpless until I didn’t.  I realized I could do something right from my living room.  I sent the link to my local, well-respected newspaper.  I asked them to please follow up on the police indifference.  This morning, I received an email from them thanking me and informing me they are investigating. 

     

    It felt better to know that even if I can’t risk being in crowds marching, I can still do something. 

     

     


    Much love and concern for CGG-M. 



  6. We Get What We Get

    Tuesday, May 26, 2020













    Hey everyone.  It seems my sense of smell has returned.  I do the armpit test.  Yep.  It’s working.  I will get an antibody test one of these days.  I am just so grateful I’m more okay than not.  So far, I’ve been very lucky.


    Governor Cuomo warms my heart.  I don’t think he’s easy or mellow or 
    perfect, but I love that he’s real, loves his mom and family, and knows that loving is part of “NY Tough.”  I love that he reminds us that our masking and distancing and staying inside brought the death numbers down.  He gives credit where it’s due.  I also love that he once said about the orange one, “How many times do I have to thank him for doing his job?”


    Cuomo has guts.  Plus he’s going to talk with the orange one tomorrow (Wednesday) in D.C.  I think the orange one must feel somewhat jealous of the self-assuredness and leadership qualities of Cuomo.  Talking facts, admitting when he doesn’t know something, considering mistakes a chance to learn something, loving his children and mother, ya know, all that scary shit.


    When I go outside and see the vast majority in masks, I feel Cuomo’s 
    attitude has something to do with that.  Today he said that masks are “cool” and that we can coordinate them with our outfits and be creative.  He must’ve been a good dad.  I love his pride when he speaks of his daughters.  If I’d had a father like him, my life would have gone so differently.  Oh well.  We get what we get.  I never got to meet my father.  My grandmother told me he held me and said, “The baby looks like me.”  He ate an apple and called her “Mom.”  My aunt Gilda (the 4th born; my mother was the 5th born) once told me, “Your mother liked class.  Your father was a classy man.”  There’s a lot more to that story.  Not now.


    I don’t have a webcam or mic in my computer.  That was fine with me until 
    now when it is a real limitation.  I can only witness a zoom happening.  I can write in the chat, but I can’t be heard or seen.  So, on-line auditions are no auditions for me.


    I’ve been watching Debbie Bazza’s Mon.-Fri. 4pm Facebook Live show 
    pretty regularly.  I realized that one of the things I enjoy is seeing her whole face, smiles included.  Aside from that, I like Debbie, and I think she’s pretty hilarious.  She’s a Bronx girl as I am.  She’s also someone with a good heart as I am.  We don’t see eye-to-eye on everything, but when it is safe to hug again, I want to hug her.  If you don’t know Debbie Bazza, here’s a clip of her doing her thing on the comedy stage.  Enjoy.









    So much love to and concern for CGG-M.  💕

















  7. I’m still not 100% back to normal.  But I remain grateful that if what I have is the virus, I am being spared of what so many have gone through and are going through.  I have a long-lasting cold, cough, and a recurring head ache (I was never much of a head ache person) and still can’t fully smell things.  When it began, I also had pain in my lower abdomen.  That didn’t last long, and I am extremely grateful.  Though I’m cold, I am not shivering like I did in the beginning.  It’s been three weeks so far.  Some of the time, I really feel okay.  I actually look forward to getting a test at some point for the antibodies.


    A doctor who spoke on television said that the lost sense of smell usually 
    returns at the pace that a fingernail grows.  I was glad to hear that, so I know what to expect.  I burned incense and was able to smell it to some degree.


    So one of Trump’s personal valets tested positive for COVID-19, and 
    Trump got very angry that it got that close to him.  This particular valet served Trump his meals.  Now Trump gets tested daily.  Doctors, nurses, EMTs, delivery people, MTA workers are still waiting for a test.  But someone who is a last responder gets a daily test.  He should go work in the meat plant to save the economy.  He can bring his bleach for lunch. 




     

    We need a human being in the prez seat, not a humanoid. 


    When he said that his heart goes out to the family of the jogger who was 
    shot and killed in Georgia, I blurted, “What heart?”


    Yet another benefit of being penis-free:




    Gotta love this woman:







    Much 💕 to CGG-M.