The
Red Nickel Demons Dance
“I shouldn’t have had so many
children. I should’ve only had three
like my sister.”
“But Grandma, then you wouldn’t have my
mother or me.”“So, you wouldn’t know me.”
“Noooooo, Grandma, don’t say that. I love you. Don’t you love me?”
“You wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t know me.”
God, do you remember
that I’m here? Please don’t forget about
me, God. Grandpa said you see everything.
I hope you do. I really hope you
do.
“I miss my mother. I want my mother.”
“You
have to be an understanding child! Your
mother is a sick girl!”
“Go be nice to your fucken self.”
“How come I don’t have a father?”
“He’s from a communist country! He can’t be with you. Pretend like he’s
dead. It happens. What if he was dead?”“But he’s not dead.”
“Your
mother was one of seven, and no one could take you in?!”
“If I knew you then, I would’ve
adopted you.”
“If you
don’t eat, I’m going to have to put you in a foster home. I can’t keep you here if you don’t eat.”
“You better never do anything wrong, I’m
tellin’ you. Your life won’t be worth a
red nickel!”
A whore and a virgin
at the same time? Had to look up whore
in the dictionary and it didn’t make sense.
What does sexually loose mean?
Why does my aunt say that to me?
How can I be something I don’t even understand? I’m not sexually anything. I’m twelve.
“You want a hug!? Wait, one day the fellas will hug you.”
“I want you to hug me, Grandma.”“What’s wrong with you? My children didn’t act like this. Except the sick ones. You better be careful.”
“There’s nothing more important than
family. Don’t ever forget that!”
“You sit all hunched over and your mouth
hangs open. You look like a monkey.”
He played a song for
someone else and the lyrics went, “I want to be your number one…”
“You’re always crying. You’re going to turn out just like your
mother. You better be careful, I’m
tellin’ you!”
“You are not going
to like yourself if you do anything with him.”
“Don’t ever talk about your family.”
“I’ve been trying to
back off. You, not so much.”
“You should drop out of college. It’s all wasted on a nigger-lover like you.”
He took the picture
of me down. He had it up and called me
fascinating. Now it’s gone. Wish I felt nothing about that.
“I ain’t be seein’ nobody ‘cuz
when I’m with somebody and they do me wrong, then I do me wrong. So I ain’t be seein’ nobody.”
So many of these so-called big strong men are weak little boys,
Mindy, who need the next woman lined up and ready if they even feel a chance of
being alone for a minute.
“Back off.”
“She’s ignoring me.”
“Carol’s mother says you don’t have
confidence. What’s wrong with you?! Why does
she say that?”
“You’re better than that!”
Am I? Am I?
Toyed with.
“Don’t let anyone toy with
your life.”
He played a song for
someone else and the lyrics went, “I want to be your number one…”
“You shouldn’t have been born. If I knew you were going to turn out like
this, I’d have had your mother have an abortion.”
He wrote that he pissed me off, and then he LOL’d.
“You act common… like a common girl. I’m disappointed in you.”
He LOL’d.
“If you do anything wrong, you can just throw yourself
down a river.”
“We attract people who we
recognize as human based on what we grew to know as home.”
“You can’t say that to me.
You don’t know what that means.”“That’s where we start, but we grow from there.”
Maybe I need to cry,
and he is my onion. Maybe I miss my
family. That can be dangerous. Maybe it is my default position to slip into
something ill-fitting and emotionally abrasive enough to call home.
The cat should scratch
him. It’s so deeper than crabby.
