She So Funny

 

Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad

 

On Sunday, I was looking at the posts in a Facebook group I’m part of for people who grew up in the Bronx.  Many were highly recommending the movie, “In the Heights.”  Then someone posted a photo of his tv with the movie on the screen.  It was a shot of the rally scene.  He asked me if that was me in it.  It was!  It was a background role, but I was positioned next to an actor with lines, so I was clearly seen.  This was filmed before the pandemic.  (I haven’t dared go into crowds since the virus.)  I haven’t seen the movie yet, but I intend to.  What really struck me is that the person who recognized me only knows me through that Facebook group.  We never met in person.

 

 

I messaged him to thank him for the photo and to let him know I was surprised he recognized me since we only know each other on Facebook.  He wrote back:

Bella mujer, I've admired you for a long time. It’s an honor. I would have put a better picture of you but I needed your permission. But yes, I spotted that beautiful face in the crowd. BTW I hate musicals except West Side Story and now this wonderful movie. Have a blessed day.

 

Later that night, I went to the 24-hour store to get chips and a few loose cigarettes.  The night cook made a big point of saying hello.  He’s not one of the cooks I am too familiar with, so I was a bit surprised but I responded.  Then he asked about my dog and then acknowledged that my dog must have passed by now.  I was very surprised.  He said he saw me every morning walking the dog when he was going to school.  I asked if he lived in my building.  He said no, but that he lived on my block.  He said he’s seen me every day since he was about twelve.  I was wide-eyed.  I had no idea.  He is a grown man now.  I said, “So you knew me when I was skinny.  Look at me now,” and I grabbed some blubber from my middle.  He said, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”  I was impressed, and I cracked up laughing.  He’s young; many older men wouldn’t have responded that intelligently.  He spoke of my dog being calm, not barking at everyone, and looking like Lassie.  I just wanted to hug him.  Instead, I thanked him for telling me all that and told him that it made me feel good.

 

Wow!  I started to feel the world was telling me to come back and join the living. 

 

On my way home, a drunk man said, “Hello Mami.”  I didn’t recognize him, but I certainly noticed him aiming right at me while asking me, “Where are you going?”  I went to the other side of the sidewalk and walked around him.  He was about my height but much broader.  He was drunk enough that I felt I could push him, and he’d fall.  So I was not frightened as much as surprised.

 

Three surprises in one day; two out of three felt great.

 

 

 

Love always to CGG-M ❤❤❤

Mindy Matijasevic,  June 2021

 

A few days ago, I heard the elevator alarm as I left my apartment.  I pressed the button in case that would get it moving, but it didn’t.  I went downstairs, and the people were stuck on the first floor.  I opened the outer door and then pulled and pushed the automatic door to try to get it open enough for them to squeeze out.  They said something in Spanish.  I said in English (the only language I know), “I’m trying to help you.”  I got it open enough for them to help push it open.  They got out.  As I left the building, I saw the husband of one of the women.  “I just rescued your wife.”  He apparently knew they were stuck and had gone to find the super. 

 

Today, I was the one who got stuck in the elevator.  It’s not my worst fear, so I wasn’t panicking.  I was hot in there.  But I was grateful I didn’t have to pee, and there was no roach or waterbug in there.  It could have been worse.  The hardest part was not knowing how long I’d be in there.  I made a lot of noise with the alarm button.  After a couple of minutes, someone showed up and was trying to get the automatic door open for me.  It was the man whose wife I had rescued.  I thanked him so much for returning the favor. 

 

Many of my neighbors barely speak English, and I know just a bit of Spanish; however, most of us do speak "neighbor."  💚

.....

 

On Friday, my long-time friend Judy, who lives in Staten Island, was in the Bronx for some business, so she texted to see if I was free to come downstairs and see her before she went home.  That’s always a treat.  It’s usually for about 15 minutes.  This time, she didn’t have to get anywhere else, so we spent a few hours together sharing many things including our troubles.  I hadn’t expected that amount of time.  It felt good.  I wish we lived closer to each other.

 

In our twenties.

                                                                            Decades later. 

Much love to CGG-M. ❤❤❤

 

While I’m still struggling along to maintain my progress cutting down on the cigarettes, I had two unsuccessful days.  Actually three.  They were still better than what I had been doing before, but not by much.  The next day, I felt more in control and got it down further. 

 

On Tuesday, my buddy (my unofficially adopted brother) offered to drive me to take care of some errands for me (and some for him), have late-afternoon breakfast, talk, and enjoy each other’s company.  It really helps when he interrupts my routines that are not productive.  I do my best not-smoking when I’m with him.  It took years for me to adjust with a good attitude, but I now appreciate that he does not allow cigarette smoking in his house or car.  I never had a car, so getting driven around is always a treat.  It was a good day that included lots of sharing and laughter (which I haven’t had enough of lately).  He also appreciated my efforts and what I’ve managed to improve on so far regarding the f’ing cigarettes. 

 

On Wednesday, I had human interaction again, this time on line, with the poetry workshop I’ve been part of for a number of years.  Two days in a row of hours of significant human interaction seems to have done me good.  Plus a family in my building got a puppy who I met in front of my building.  For a while I just watched him.  I saw how the dad was very concerned about things I’d be concerned about – how hot the ground was, checking his paws, untangling him when the leash got between his legs.  After about five minutes, I went over to say hello to this delightful puppy.  He sniffed my feet, jumped on me, all happy and loving.  I think that moment also did me good.  Nothing like passing an animal’s smell test.  They sense the soul.  It’s an honor.

 

 Lots of love to CGG-M ❤💜❤

 

 Mindy Matijasevic

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been drinking so much water since cutting down on cigarettes that I think I may have also lost a little weight.  I’d be glad if I did.  I received good advice from a former smoker.  She knew from experience not to aim for zero from smoking 20-30 cigarettes a day.  It did make me feel calmer than I expected to feel.  I stopped being upset with myself for smoking and instead felt proud of my progress. 

 

I’m still only buying them loose.  So far, I’ve gone from 20-30 a day to 5-15 a day.  I feel that if I had a pack in the house, I’d likely smoke the whole pack.  Still desire it.  I don’t feel sure I can maintain what I’ve achieved so far, but I’m still trying.  It’s been 17 days.

 

A few nights ago, I returned a phone call to one of the many people to whom I owe a phone call.  We spoke about a number of sad things, yet I felt good talking with her.  Her view of me is so much better than my view of myself these days.  We knew each other from a former job where she was a very caring counselor who really helped people.  I was a popular teacher who appreciated my students and was appreciated by them.  She told me I was an ass-kicker and a warrior.  Though I love that vision, I told her I felt like a depressed lump.  Her reaction was, “Oh NO. Not in my eyes.”  I am trying to borrow her eyes.

 

 

She shared how much she loved my writing and wanted me to continue.  That night, I wrote.  I hadn’t realized, until later, her impact on me.

 

One of the things I have been working on is a collection of my experiences in adult education where I taught people who were returning to try to get their high school diploma.  That night I wrote a first draft of the time I had to co-teach with someone who was very different than I am.

 

Several nights later, I presented it to a writing workshop which mainly focuses on poetry but allows the occasional short prose.  Since the pandemic, we’ve been doing it on-line.  They had so many ideas and questions and suggestions.  So though I thought my piece was done, I have things to think about.  The workshop folks are so helpful.  Their feedback helps me try to make the piece as good and as clear as I can.

 

I hope to get back into comedy.  I’ll let you know when there are shows I’m doing.  I hope it is soon even if we are masked.  I need money and laughter.

Love to CGG-M ❤❤❤

Mindy Matijasevic

 

 

It’s been a challenging time.  (Is it ever not?)  I enrolled in a study that is seeking to learn how to best help people stop or cut down on cigarette smoking.  Oy.  I’m a tough case.

 

I look back, and I think I went from thumb-sucking to cigarette smoking.  In my twenties, I stopped smoking with the help of a group.  I managed to not smoke for eight months.  Then after a very traumatic experience, I smoked again.  Right back to a pack (and then some) a day. 

 

A few years later, I tried to stop on my own using whatever I learned in the group.  This time I stopped for ten months.  Then I started sinking in a number of ways.  Got involved in a relationship that was not good for me and started back smoking at the same time.  Double-fucked, and not in any kind of good way.

 

Since then, any time I tried to stop smoking, I never got through the third day.  As time went on, I couldn’t get through one full day and night.

So in my recent efforts, I had soooooo much anxiety before my goal date.  I told my best buddy that not smoking might turn out easier than the anxiety I’m going through anticipating it. 

 

I was smoking anywhere from 20 to 30 cigarettes a day.  On my first day of trying to not smoke, I smoked five cigarettes.  I bought them loose.  I was not too pleased with myself because I was aiming for zero.  The next day, I woke up with easier breathing.  That felt encouraging.  Yet on day two, I smoked nine cigarettes.  I still enjoy smoking cigarettes.  I wish I didn’t, but I do.

 

When I’m outside and smell someone else’s cigarette, it doesn’t repel me.  I still like it.  I look forward to getting where it would gross me out.  Not there.

 

Both of those days were hard to endure, and I was proud for not buying a pack and getting back to 20 - 30 cigarettes which I could do easily.  Too easily.

 

By day three, I wanted a bottle of wine (something I was avoiding because of the cigarette smoking that accompanies drinking for me) and a pack of cigarettes.  I compromised.  I bought a small bottle and several loose cigarettes.  I am grateful to the stores that take the risk to do that.  It helps with cutting down.  If I had a whole pack in the house, I’d smoke the whole pack.  So I’m sorry they catch hell for breaking the rules, but I’m glad they do it.  On day three, I smoked twelve cigarettes.  I was not pleased with myself, but tried not to get on my case too much because that doesn’t help.  Each of the first three days was way better than what my normal has been.

 

On day four, I did laundry which requires me to go back and forth to the laundromat three times (they took the seats away to discourage people from staying inside since the pandemic).  It’s about three blocks away, so back and forth three times is 18 blocks.  It helped that my breathing felt improved.  It is encouraging that I can feel the difference.

 

My goal for day four was to improve on day three’s number.  I did, but not by much.  My cigarette total that day was eleven.

 

My friend and former co-worker, Mindy Levokove, spoke of progress as opposed to perfection when speaking on teaching and students.  Recalling that helped me feel less disappointed with myself.

 

If I could smoke only five cigarettes a day, I doubt I’d try to stop.  But as my buddy said to me, “You seem to be an all-or-nothing gal.”  It’s true.  He knows me well and for over 35 years.  He’s glad to see me trying more than he’s seen in a very long time.

 

Another wonderful, long-time friend who I love, Judy, told me she prays each day for me to be able to stop smoking.  Just knowing that she does makes me feel her love.  ❤

By day five, I feel my mind changing a bit.  I don't feel as obsessed with cigarettes.  Well, at some moments I really do, but not the majority of the time.  I do feel somewhat proud of having had four days behind me of not smoking anywhere near what I had been smoking.  I hope I keep it up.  Please, people, do not think of this as a done deal.  It isn't.  I don't feel past the beginning nor guaranteed to make it past the beginning.

It’s a struggle.  I can only say I’m still trying.  

 

So much love to CGG-M ❤❤❤

Mindy Matijasevic, May 2021

 

 

 

Hi all.  Have I mentioned that I am a terrible procrastinator?  I allow things to become a heavy weight on me.  One recent example is my taxes.  Each year in recent times, I get a refund.  This is a good thing.  I need the refund badly.  Each year, I tell myself not to procrastinate next year since it means money for me.  And yet I do.  This year, I expected to do it in February, but I didn’t.  March went by.  Then April.  They extended the deadline until May 17^th.  I did it on May 12^th.  It could’ve been way worse.  After I did it, it felt like a weight was lifted off of me.  I thought about why I let it get to that point.  I think feeling weighed down is the norm for me.  Awful thing to continue.  Whenever I think about the taxes being done, I sigh with relief.  I can’t wait for the refund.  I have to admit that there is something else I am procrastinating about which may be what made doing the taxes seem approachable.  I’m a trip in many ways.

 

After I get my refund, my next t-shirt is coming out!

 

In my decluttering, I found some comedy notes I’d written and forgotten about.  They made me laugh.  I’m too often gloomy.  Knowing that in my misery, I am still funny, feels very good.

 

My dreams lately have continued to be very dramatic – a man calling me telling me it’s a matter of life and death, another where a man who had a crush on me and me on him (in real life) had a hugging interaction (in the dream), but I was concerned about COVID and asked him if he’s been vaccinated.  I don’t remember him answering but we hugged and so did our bodies.  Lordy Lordy.  Dreams like that make me think maybe I haven’t totally closed up shop.  Not sure.

 

In real life, I haven’t hugged my close friends or anyone since the pandemic.  I miss hugs.  Especially those with my son.

 

I was part of a zoom poetry reading tonight hosted by Lucy Aponte.  I am glad for these moments that make me feel I’m still here doing things.  The pandemic, to some degree, solidified my hermit ways.  So interacting with others is a big deal.  The event went very well – mostly Bronx folks.  Everyone’s work was passionate.  My poems were not necessarily on happy topics, but many of them were funny.  Folks were laughing.  It felt so satisfying, like a delicious meal.

 

 

 

 

 

Love always to CGG-M ❤💜❤

Mindy Matijasevic, May 2021

 

 

Well I got my second Pfizer shot on 4/28.  Thankfully, my best buddy took me there and back (in addition to other errands we needed to do).  Like with the first time, I was fine until that night.  Then chills, fever, and a major headache.  I slept a lot but when I awoke the next day, the headache was still major.  My buddy had called me a couple of times and left messages.  At some point, I called him back because I didn’t want him to think I died or anything.  I told him how bad I was feeling.  He suggested Tylenol.  I didn’t have any in the house.  He rode his bike over and brought me strong Ibuprofen he had left over from dental work.  He is an amazing brother (by choice).  Within 15 minutes, I was sweating out the fever and my head stopped hurting.  I was able to sleep some more.  I was grateful.  Very.

 

Though I felt crappy for a day and a half, I’m glad I’m vaccinated. 

 

…

 

I was surprised when I saw myself in the mirror today.  I had forgotten that I gave myself a haircut last night.  I think I did okay this time.  Last time I started to feel I was losing the hair-cutting skill I had achieved.  Thought I should return to a hair stylist next time.  But this time went okay, and I don’t need another expense.  So though it feels pampering to have someone else deal with my hair, I’m going to continue doing it myself for now.

…

On a positive note, I was informed a poem of mine called “May 2020” is included in this May’s issue of the West Side Arts Coalition newsletter.

...

Some of my friends in comedy have started doing in-person shows again.  I should get ready.  I’m nervous.

 

...

Mother’s Day is coming up.  If your mom is divorced, glad, and has a sense of humor, this would be a unique gift.  Contact me for details.  mindyinthebronx@gmail.com

Love to CGG-M  ❤❤❤