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  1. How NOT to be an Asshole Dog

    Monday, May 6, 2013

    By Samantha DeRose








    1)  Don't eat the cat shit out of the litter box.

    2)  Don't try to lick me EVER (especially if you didn't listen to #1)

    3)  Don't lay on the beds (or any human furniture for that matter)

    4)  Don't fart and look surprised EVERY TIME

    5)  Don't wake me up by making that high pitched whine beginning at at 3 a.m. for your 5:30 a.m. walk

    6)  Don't have a conniption when you see the following:
         A)  Orange traffic cones
         B)  Christmas decorations
         C)  Decorative Flags
         D)  Other dogs
         E)  Other people
         F)   Cars
         G)  Plastic or Paper Bags
         H)  Banana Peels
         I)  Squirrels, birds, bunnies, cats, SKUNKS, for the LOVE OF GOD, SKUNKS

    7)  Don't allow your smaller, foofier dog cousin to hump your face, smell your dog crack or the place where your balls used to be.  You're 5 gagillion times bigger than him.  MAN UP!

    8)  Don't tangle your leash around my legs and cause me to (possibly) break my left foot (that had surgery less than 2 years ago)

    9)  Don't stick your snout in the leopard panties that have been laying on the sidewalk on Clifton Ave. for over a week in front of the medical offices EVERY time we pass them.

    10)  DO lick my ex-mother-in-law if you did not obey #1 or #9




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  2. 4 comments:

    1. In the furry one's defense --
      Sniffing a crotch or anything crotch-related, which would include pee, poop, and funky panties, to him is like reading the newspaper to you. He gets the headlines that matter in his world: who was there, what they did, gender, and I read somewhere that they could tell from another dog's pee how that dog was feeling! Amazing.
      Eating the cat shit is hard to defend. To him it must be like eating what they ate. I know. Yeechh.
      But c'mon, him letting his cousin smell his crotch is just being a good neighbor.

    2. another thing on the pooch's behalf --
      the farting. when my dog does and looks surprised, I have interpreted it as he can't tell if something else came out with it and is very concerned about that. after all, it came out of the same place and it smells the same. what's a dog to think?

    3. Lisa Harmon said...

      OMG eating cat poop? Can he come over today for a little spring cleaning?

    4. Rhonda said...

      Leopard panties? Is that where I left them?

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