By Lisa Harmon
I’m
trying my best not to be too dumb.
At one time I was super-smart.
Good grades smart. I wasn’t
valedictorian or anything but I was a bookworm with analytical skills and a good
memory.
Fast
forward all these years and joints later, and wham! What happened to my brains?
My
declining mental acuity brings to mind this famous (in my family) retort from
Squiggy (of Laverne & Shirley, in case you’ve heard of another one) in
response to being asked to “think about it.” He becomes incensed and yells “Think about it! Think about it! With WHAT?!”
That’s
me. Think about it, with
what? My super-clogged brain? I can’t keep anything in my head. It is a complete stand-still up
there. I can’t even remember the
sentence I’ve just read. I once
forgot the end of the sentence I was saying while I was saying the beginning of
the sentence! Astounding and one
hundred percent true!
I
have lost so much to father time, 20/20 vision, good hearing, tight skin. But what I miss the most is my
brain. It was my most distinguishing
feature!
I
wasn’t the prettiest, the skinniest, or the coolest. But I was smart and funny and that was me.
I’m
not smart anymore. I spend most of
my time now trying not to be too dumb.
I mean a little dumb is one thing, but when people start rolling their
eyes and talking really loud and slow, man, I don’t want to be on the receiving
end of that!
And
this dumbness is not even my fault!
I mean, do you know how many times that store on the corner
changed? It was a Wetsons, a
Nathan’s, a Roy Rogers, a Burger King, a Wendy’s, a Subway. Now it’s a Dunkin Donuts. So what? The damage is done.
I’ve got half my brain cells used up remembering all the damn restaurants
that have come and gone in just one store on just one block!
Here’s
another way I got dumb:
research. Yes
research. Not doing it, reading
about it. Of course you know, on
Sundays, Tuesdays and alternate Thursdays, caffeine gives you cancer. On the other days of the week, caffeine
prevents cancer. Except
Wednesdays. On Wednesdays, caffeine
prevents Parkinson’s.
Is
it just me or is there a deluge of brain-clogging (mis)information out there?
Come
on! I know you need a conclusion
to keep getting funding for your study, but you’re really driving me nuts over
here.
Here’s
what else makes me dumb: Cell
phones. I don’t know anyone’s
number anymore. You know why? It’s not just because the number is in
my phone. It is also because
everyone has changed their number twenty-five times since high school!
Everybody
I know had one phone number from 1975 to 1995. After the 90’s, everybody’s number changed over and
over. Again, clogging up those
precious few brain cells.
Also
making me dumb: the internet. I used to talk to people, face to face
or on a land-line! Yes. For those of you that don’t know, a
land-line is a way to talk to a person that’s far away, without having to say “WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?” like on a cell phone. When I talk to people, I have to be quick to be witty. It kept me sharp.
Now
I don’t talk to anyone. I comment
on their facebook statuses. Well
that doesn’t make me sharp! I’ve
got all day and the rest of my life to make a pithy comment. It makes me stupid. Having all that time for my
“off-the-cuff” remarks takes out the challenge.
And
finally slang. Slang’s sole
purpose is to confuse old people.
It is constantly changing to separate the old farts from the hip
kids. I recently was told that I
was DTF*. I had to ask what that
meant. By the time I found out, it
was way too late to be offended!
So
here I am, with my softening (or hardening) brain. It doesn’t work quite as well as it used to. It’s a little jammed up with a lot of
junk preventing me from remembering important things like which brand of hummus
is the one I like.
If
you see me, searching for the right word, or unsure what you just said to me,
or confused about what a meme is, or sticking my finger in the hummus, please
don’t judge me. Right now I am just
trying to not be too dumb.
*DTF
= down to f*ck. I am still not
sure exactly what it means!
I was looking for your guest blog. Glad to read ya. You aren't dumb. Whatever we don't use gets rusty (God only knows what's going on in places I haven't used -- lol).
I was going to ask what DTF meant and tell you my guesses, but you answered that. To clarify, 'down to fuck' would mean you are into it. Like when one can be 'down with' something. The slang may be new, but the idea of someone else telling a female what she is down for sadly is not.