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    Wednesday, September 26, 2012

    by Helene "What the hell are you doing with your life?" Gresser

    Dudes, I am sorry, my blentry is late and I am trying to solve some issues here in lovely, beautiful, adorable, ever-affordable New York City. I am not remotely funny today. I am the least funny person in this library, where the woman who mouths every last thing she is reading on her laptop (with an audible whispery sound that drives one with ADD to murderous thoughts) is soon replaced by MAN WITH EVERYTHING IN A SEPARATE PLASTIC BAG who must read one inch from his paper with a magnifying glass while simultaneously sticking his finger up his left nostril. Then there is the dude who is only listening to his iPod and leaning WAYYYYY back in his chair. Why is he here? Why is he here?? Stop it! You will fall backwards! I can only concentrate on you not falling backwards, now, iPod-man.

    I will report back next week with thrilling updates and annoying tics and stomach-churning tales of woe and gloom and despair and agony on me. Deep, dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair, and agony on me.

    That is from a "Hee-Haw" song and sketch. If you do not know what I mean when I say "Hee-Haw," then you are either under the age of 40 or have led a life that is not tied to a boob tube. If you do not know what I mean when I say "boob tube" then just shut up. Shut up and stop snickering at the fact that I said "boob."

    I need to rent a room and I have two cats. Do you know what that means? That means trouble. That means it is extry-hard finding a room, since approximately half of New York City is allergic to cats, and another quarter HATES cats just because they are cats, so all that is left are stinky weirdos and cat-hair-covered abodes and pervs.

     I am convinced that the room I rent will be secretly wired to a video camera and the antics I plan to participate in will be viewed by my pervy roommate/landlord/stinky-person. The thought of sharing a bathroom with a stranger skeeves me to no end. See how New York I've become? I used the word "skeeve." Look it up. Or just say it out loud. It will tell you its meaning via its sound. Skeeeeeeeeeve. Shudder.

    Now I need to get back to discerning the scam artists from the creeps on Craigslist. And I need to get far 'way from Mister Nostril McRustlebags and Tilty O'Ipod and Lips Whisperington.

    I love NY.


    p.s. Nostril McRustlebags just stuck his hand into his shirt,scratched his chestle region with his toothpick, and came back out to stick it in his gaping maw. This is awesome. I want to stay here forever. Here in this library, with all my comedy material writing itself. O why, why-o did I ever leave Ohio?

  2. 3 comments:

    1. Considering that your 2nd sentence set my expectations to not funny, this was very funny!

    2. RHC said...

      Sorry, allergic to cats over here!

    3. RHC said...

      Sorry, allergic to cats over here!

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