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  1. by Helene "Bossypants" Gresser


    I saw the ad on Craigslist: $300 for a room - FEMALE ONLY - in the Gramercy Park area. "Too good to be true," I thought,"What's the catch?" Because there's always a catch on a cheap room in Manhattan, especially in a nice area such as Gramercy. And later in the post, there it was; the Catch: 

    "You must be assertive and bossy and like a maid to do your cooking,cleaning, and laundry for you. I want to be a maid and need a referral for jobs." [I am paraphrasing slightly as the original post has been removed. Dun dun dunnnn! That was the ominous sound effect I just heard in my head.]

    Oh mah gawd, YES.  S/he wants a dominatrix, or at the very least, the most bossy bitch to command her/him to do my bidding. I can do THAT. Right? Right??

    Or can I?

    I responded immediately:

    "I saw your ad for a room -- I could easily help you get a maid's job and references. I am assertive, and I need a place to call home soon -- I have lived in NYC for many years, have two jobs, and am responsible and easy to live with. I can be bossy if you like that, as I have been in management positions and know how to be a boss. But I'm not a jerk, nor mean-spirited. I can, however, tell you exactly how to clean well, as I've also cleaned houses professionally at one time.

    My cell is xxxx-xxx-xxxx. Call me if you are interested."

    What the hell am I doing?

    S/he wrote back this afternoon:

     "Thanks for replying.. as stated I am looking for a roomie who is super bossy and could use a maid.  Someone who when they get home.just wants to.lounge around and not.b bothered with cooking., cleaning or errands that I can take care of such as laundry., dry cleaning., picking up groceries etc..or other menial things.
    I have.had.many replies but haven't met the right person yet., I want a girl.with a certain personliyy she should be assertive and ready to.speak her mind and demanding at the same time.  Someone who can set the rules and expects them to be followed., who wants and desires everything her way or the highway.
    I'm very obedient and want to live with someone who wouldn't be shy about that or using me for what I'm offering as I want full experience.of.being a.maid.
    Please tell ne.more about you and if this situation would fit you.  Hope to hear.more., if we match I will send pictures and set up meeting for u to see the apt.
    Thanks"

    Okay--- weird use of punctuation (a period and THEN a comma? Some spelling weirdness. Then random periods scattered throughout?) But that did not stop me from responding, in what I thought was an appropriately bossy manner:

    "Girl, or Boy,
    You can have the cooking and cleaning, I can tell you exactly what I like and be demanding and bossy, no problem! You sound like a dream. Here's my picture. Let's talk about it more. Call me. Soon."

    I mean, what the hell do I have to lose? My dignity? Being bossy was not a tough request. But would this person want MORE? Like sexy times or whipping or nakedness whilst cleaning? Is this person a sociopath looking to turn my skin into a coat? Will I be in a deep stone well at some point, rubbing lotion on my flesh, while he prances around hiding his junk in his thighs? Will she take an ax and give me forty whacks?

    I just want to check this situation out. Who doesn't want a willing "maid" to clean, cook and do one's laundry, and lie around eating bonbons while these things are being done to one's exact specifications? For 300 bucks a month I could live very well, be taken care of, and maybe have some fun with it. But am I willing to be a dominatrix? My friends have always told me how bossy I can be, I once had an ex-priest call me a bitch to my face, and some people even say "YES MOM " in response to my tone when giving instruction -- which I've always hated. Not because I hate moms, or my mom - quite the opposite - but because they always said it with such disdain for my supposed advice/guidance/helpfulness (or so I imagined.)

    My nature is to be a people-pleaser, which is exasperating, as I have nurturing tendencies that seem overbearing to some. Being deliberately and bitchily commanding and domineering is not something I'd come to naturally, in a non-sexy situation, or even in a sexy situation. What type of character will I truly have to be?

    I am not one who likes to dominate in sexy times. I like a dude to take charge, and when I've been occasionally requested by a guy to get all medieval and throw him around I have had to repress giggle fits. But - BUT - this is some cheap-ass rent we're talking here. Should I expect to be asked to dress in leather gear and a helmet and brandish a nightstick? I might find that fun. Or really exhausting. Or use it for material. Or get so into it that I try some dungeons in town and make a secret living at it.

    I'll have to get in better shape and practice my best bitch voice. I am shining my lace-up boots and getting ready for our first meeting. I'll be sure to let someone know where I am going and when - maybe my guy will have to accompany me to the building and wait outside in case things get weird.

    But I like weird. Don't I? Do I? Shit, I better stop being unsure and hone that Bossy Girl to a fine edge. I gotta live somewhere, and for cheap. But just how much weird will I want to play out for this cheap?

    Damn. This could be good. But if I end up on the cover of the New York Post you'll know I made the wrong decision.

    Or did I????? Shut up and shine my boots, bitch. Make me Eggs Benedict afterwards - AND DON'T LET THE HOLLANDAISE SEPARATE!!!


    Heh. Heh heh. Bwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! Ahhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

    -hmg

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  2. 2 comments:

    1. diana kelvin said...

      The clarity in your post is simply excellent and I could assume you’re an expert on this subject. Modern Empress Adultwork

    2. And this cheap ass rent was a wanker iso someone to talk to, right?

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