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  1. Free-Roaming Vagina*

    Tuesday, October 30, 2012


    “See, you actually desire to lick a vagina.  I can’t say I really desire to suck a dick,” I told my buddy.  “I have to really be into somebody to want to do that, and even then, it is to give him pleasure and not because my tongue actually craves to feel the ripples of some wrinkly dick.”

    We laughed.

    “Do you think that means I'm gay?  It’s not like I ever longed to have a vagina that way either.” 

    “I always thought you were heterosexual.  I don’t think you chose it.  Given how many men are assholes, I don’t think you are happy about it.  You just are it.”

    “I guess.  Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to be heterosexual.  I don’t think I’m homosexual either.  I think I’m nomosexual.”


    “That’s right.  No-mo’-sexual.  And I don’t mean it like ‘no homo’; I mean no mo’!...



                                                                                                             “…at least for now.”


    My buddy gave me half of his challah bread from Trader Joe’s.  It is just one of many nurturing things we do for each other.  I munched on challah bread as we watched some of the weather warnings and election headlines.

      “Just when I am enjoying total freedom to listen to what my vagina and I want, I have to worry about the Mormon church running the country.”

    “I can’t believe he could win.”       

    “Yeah well Bain Capitol owns some of the voting machines.  Why is that allowed?”

    “That’s the problem right there.  They allow that which should never be entertained for a moment.”

    “You aren’t allowed to enter a sweepstakes if a family member works for one of their subsidiaries.  But you can own voting machines and run for president.”

    My buddy shook his head.  His father fought for this country, and not for the likes of Romney to take over.


    “I don’t know what I’ll do if they get in power.  They can’t say ‘vagina’ but insist on ruling vagina.  I don’t understand how someone, who clearly didn’t pass high school biology in any meaningful way where you learn about ovulation and ‘that whole thing’ that doesn’t shut down at will, is permitted to run for presidency.  Aren’t there educational requirements?  They test teachers and expect them to know all kinds of shit.  The super of my building had to pass a test in English in order to keep his job that he was already doing.                                                       
    I want the president who isn’t afraid of women and who respects us enough as adults to make our own decisions about our bodies.



    I think it is reasonable to expect a president of our nation to know how the population grows and what is needed to have a healthy population.  Certainly forcing rape victims to love babies is not the path.  What I know about this Republican party is they are not comfortable with truth telling, with most non-white people, and with free-roaming vagina.” 










    *self-determined; acting on the exclusive wishes of its biological owner to engage in sexual activity, to not engage in sexual activity, to have babies, to not have babies, and all things vaginal.

  2. 2 comments:

    1. This should have been the end of the story, but I'm adding it as a comment. My buddy, after reading this, said, "Free-roaming vagina tastes the best."

      I take his word.

    2. Anonymous said...

      Well put Mindy!

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