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  1. Dating Liberties

    Monday, October 15, 2012

    By Samantha DeRose

    To say that I’ve had a lot of strange dates in my life would be an understatement.  My mother would constantly tell me to lower my standards or I'd end up bitter and alone.  Another nugget of loving, heartfelt advice that cost me thousands in therapy.  HEY MOM, I GOT NEWS FOR YA!  I'M NOT BITTER OR ALONE!  (That sounded bitter, but I'm not).

    So here's what it was like for me... (and don't skip the video at the end...it's my favorite)...

    There was the guy from high school who called me after we had graduated from college.  He said that he had been thinking about me for quite some time and wanted to know if I’d like to have drinks with him.  He was cute enough, I was single enough, so I said yes.  By about our second drink, my paramour launched into his Amway sales pitch and asked me to “mull it over” while he excused himself to use the restroom.  I took the opportunity to leave the cash for my drink on the table and exited through the kitchen (I worked that the place, so I was allowed).
    There was the hot bartender who thought that my name had two “m’s” and an “f”.   “Samamfa,” he’d murmur, “I can’t believe how much fun I’m having with you.  Everybody at da bah said you was gonna be a bitch, but yer real cool.”  To which I replied in my mind, “Bill, I can’t believe how few brain cells you actually have and how a 5 minute car ride to my car can feelike a century.
    There was the 28 year-old who took me on a date when I was 17. Back then, I thought it was the coolest thing.  27 years later, it's creepiest thing. We started out at a bar where his friends worked, so I wasn't asked for ID.  After a long island iced tea, we went to his apartment.  A lovely flat in his mother's basement complete with chestnut brown wood paneling, white & faded lime green linoleum tile, and furnished with folding chairs, a card table, and a pull out bed.  He cooked dinner for me in his "kitchenette" on the little portable electric burner next to the washer and dryer, brought out a bottle of white wine from his dorm fridge, and told me how he just loved working the deli counter in a local department store and could see himself retiring at that job (the store closed 14 years ago).  I'm not sure what put the brakes on that evening.  Perhaps it was when it hit 10 pm and I told him that I had to go... I was already late since my curfew was when the street lights went on.

    There was the guy who didn't know what facetious meant. "I don't know was Vaseeshush means.  Stop using fancy words like that."  (My mom told me I was being too picky with that one.  I think not.)

    There was the guy who called every waitress Mademoiselle.  "Another round, Mademoiselle.  Check please, Mademoiselle.  I'll have the pork roll and cheese, Mademoiselle."

    There was the guy who would slap his knees and fire two finger pistols at me upon departure, with a wink and two clicks of his tongue.  I don't know how to spell that irritating sound, but it was very Leather Tuscadero...only not cool.

    There was the guy who had two black eyes from his hair plug operation gone wrong, who slapped me in the ass as I was getting out of the car and said, "Next, we need to get you to the gym." (He was also the company psycho who stalked several of his exes).

    There was the guy who wore a t-shirt on our first (and only date) that said, "Pork is my favorite verb."

    There was the guy who's breath smelled like chinese food who fell asleep on my sofa and expelled flatus for the duration of his slumber (two hours) while my roommate and I watched/listened in horror.  (Confession:  We dated for 4 years.  I was trying my mother's advice.)

    There was the guy who made a living selling fake social security cards to immigrants.

    And the list goes on and on.

    And then I saw this clip and ya know what?  We've been doing it all wrong.  After what I've experienced in my distant past, a Swedish red fence, a roller coaster, a drum kit, and yes, The Statue of Liberty all sound refreshingly simple.  

    Folks, I'm not in the dating pool anymore, but if you are, I know a really nice bar of soap that is currently single.  I can make it happen for you!  


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  2. 1 comments:

    1. I like how sincerely respectful the interviewers were. I watched the whole thing.

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