She So Funny

Alternative names for today’s blog:

Hello Kitty

What’s up, Pussycat?

Cat-a-tonic

Another Caturday Night

SHUT UP, CATTIE!

OK.  I’m going to start off with a weird recurring dream that I had / have been having.  I’ve been waking up for the last two weeks, almost every night, bolting upright with dreams that I either haven’t fed the dog or cat OR that I left the dog outside.  As soon as I wake up, look around, gather my bearings,  retrace the steps in my mind to feeding time / letting them out time, I realize that I have, in fact, fed them, & let them out and back in.

So last night, I went to see Krystyna perform in Union, NJ.  She was fabulous, and if you’ve never seen her perform, she did my favorite voice.  Fricken kills me every time.  EVERY TIME.  Even though the stench outside of the venue in Union, New Jersey nearly killed me before she even went on.

Anyway, am I digressing again?

As you can tell, I have a dog and a cat.  I’m not from a cat family.  Never had cats growing up, but for several reasons, some more obvious than others, I’ve become a cat-tolerant person.  The first cat that I saved was Catty.  God rest his orange soul.  He was 4, about to be put down because his owners had a baby and the baby was allergic.  I allowed Catty to stay with me until we found him a suitable home.  We were still waiting 7 years later when cancer took Catty before he found his forever home.  

Admittedly, he was a cool cat.  Good with the kids.  Ryan, as a baby, used to line his legos up on Catty from head-to-toe.  And Catty let him.  All the time.  And then Catty went to pussy heaven.

I told my kids, when they asked for a new cat upon Catty’s departure, that all families were only permitted one cat ever and when that cat was gone, that was it.  That logic lasted a mere few weeks when Ryan came home and informed me that his friend had 4 cats.  I tried, desperately to come up with an excuse, because no wasn’t working and I’ve never been good at the “because-I-said-so” logic.

I had just started a new job and was trying to desperately to make friends because no one likes to be the new kid who sits alone at lunch.   A woman who worked in my building started telling the person next to me that there were two kittens at Richfield Farms across the road and NO ONE would adopt them.  She couldn’t take them, of course, because she was fostering so many already. 

Then she turned to me and asked, “Didn’t I hear that you just lost your cat?  Would you be able to rescue one of the kittens?”

My mind was saying, “Are you for real?  I don’t think so.”  But what came out was, “Um, Shur.  Um.  I just have to get my kids first and then we’ll have a look” (in Krystyna’s comedy voice). 

That was 2002 and Cattie’s still with us.  IT'S CATTIE WITH AN I-E!

While not as cool as Catty, Cattie is ok as far as cats are concerned.  She’s tolerated 2 kids, 2 dogs, and a lot of screaming.  And unlike Catty, Cattie’s never run away.  Catty ran away once and it took me several hours to find him.  Traumatic because he didn’t have front claws.  Cattie, on the other hand, will venture into the back yard while I’m there, but she NEVER goes beyond the patio.  Cattie, like Catty, also has no front claws. 

Anyway.  I got home from the show on Saturday night close to midnight, let the dog out and in through the sliding glass door in my bedroom, and went to bed.

Throughout the night I kept dreaming that I was hearing Cattie howling.  I kept telling myself NOT to be alarmed.  It was just the stupid recurring dream.  I did yell several times for Cattie to shut the (something) up before I drop her off at Wah Yuan on Broad Street.

It was incessant.  At one point, I did convince myself that it was the neighborhood outside cat whore having sex in my driveway.  She’s a dirty, horny little slut.  It happens every now and again and frankly, I don’t want Cattie to be influenced by the likes of that hussy pussy.

Finally at about 5 a.m. which is the time that I normally start to rouse, I opened my eyes, gazed groggily at the sliding glass door and there was Cattie just staring at me.  I blinked.  Blinked again to focus.  Put my new glasses on.  There was Cattie.  Just staring at me.  From the outside.