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  1. I'm Not Yelling by Rhonda Hansome

    Thursday, September 29, 2016



    Sometimes I hate Gloria, my GPS. On my way to work this morning she told me to get off 278 in Queens to make my way to the Pulaski Bridge. Too late after exiting, I realized Gloria was up to her old tricks. Gloria had placed me in the 6 lane midst of a less than 2 mile artery, not moving.

    NOT MOVING!
    Did I mention I was on my way to work on a TV show?
    Did I mention I got up at 5:30 this morning?

    I sat in traffic watching Gloria's screen increase my estimated arrival by the minute. 10 minutes later when the cop car in front of me peeled into the oncoming lane, I thought I should follow him, but I thought again and watched my ETA grow later and later.

    I surreptitiously dialed the "emergency number" and on speaker, advised the casting office that I was stuck approaching the bridge. I sat in traffic for another 10 minutes.

    When a random car peeled down the oncoming lane, I did the same and inched my way to the Pulaski Bridge and then Gloria instructed me to merge onto 278 to head into Brooklyn.

    BITCH, I WAS ON 278 WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO GET OFF!

    After the bridge and fuming at Gloria, I drove left, right and left, rumbling over cobble stones and found my way to the address where I was to park my "picture car" and told the 1st person I saw wearing a Walkie-Talkie that I was #10. I was almost a half -hour late and the Production Assistant I was talking to had no idea where I was suppose to be. With a heavy french accent the petite brunette, who looked entirely too good at 8:30 am, got on her Walkie-Talkie to find the PA who knew where I should go.

    When she got no response, I ambled over to the breakfast tent, where I decided to leave my Ketogenic Diet in the dust. I dug into grits and potato laden hash with gusto. More than 3 weeks of no alcohol, no bread, no sugar, no rice, no potatoes or ANY carbs, I'd lost almost a half pound?
    F#@k That Diet!

    Frenchie the beautiful PA, approached the array of chafing dishes on display and began to fill to-go plates. In between selections she checked her Walkie-Talkie, and eventually said a van would take me to a different location. Okay... I'm a picture car and a van is going to take me to another location?

    When the van pulled up, Frenchie handed me 2 to-go plates and says, "Give these to Sean." I got in the van. The driver got out of the van, telling Frenchie he needed to get breakfast. I sit in the van. The driver makes HIS breakfast selections and returns with a to-go plate. We rumble over a few cobble stones and he stops the van, gets on his Walkie-Talkie to whosoever, "Anyone else to pick-up?

    We sit in silence. 

    I check my watch. It's almost 9 am! He checks his Walkie-Talkie. Thank goodness there's no one else to pick up and we proceed left, right and left over cobble stones. I think if my Mother was alive, she'd never believe that I showed up for work almost a half-hour late; not HER Rhonda. I look at the 2 to-go plates on my lap and ask. "Where's Sean?"  The driver doesn't know, wouldn't know, shouldn't know because he's a DRIVER. He pulls up by a fence and points to a PA, "Ask HIM where Sean is."

    The PA happens to be holding a to-go plate, "Do you know where Sean is?" He responds, "Sean who?" Of course, I don't know Sean who, Frenchie didn't tell me... "Can you call for Sean on your Walkie-Talkie?" "No, I'm with the 1st team." 

    "I just want to make sure anybody looking for #10, knows I'm here in the van." 
    He says, "You don't have to yell at me."

    But I wasn't yelling 
    I was too tired to yell
    Too anxious to yell

    I know I wasn't yelling because when he said, "You don't have to yell at me.", I really wanted to 
    YELL AT HIM!
    I didn't.

    The rest of the morning in an empty dusty warehouse in Redhook, I changed into and had my picture taken in 3 different coats while I waited for yet another PA to summon me into position as ambiance, what I call background or what you might call "extra" work.

    I was never positioned on camera and we were dismissed by 1 PM. 

    Not a bad day after I stopped beating myself up for not leaving earlier than 7 to get to Brooklyn from the Bronx by 8 AM. But I had to write this blog to stop thinking over and over, when I yell - 
    I YELL!!!
    I wasn't yelling at him.

    I love being on stage at Broadway Comedy Club, but I canceled my midnight spot there tonight, because I have a 5:30 AM report time as background on a movie shooting in Queens tomorrow. 

    I'll have to leave home at 4 AM and go to sleep right now. 






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  2. 3 comments:

    1. wow. what aggravation. i was feeling much of it as I read.

    2. Lisa Harmon said...

      Ha ha ha sorry Rhonda! Hilarious.

    3. hahahah this is such a funny and interesting article! I also hate my gps a lot which is why I could feel your pain as I was reading each and every line of this hilarious article!

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