My Facebook experience is getting more and more annoying. I do not care what secret Ellen is keeping from me. She's not my wife or husband. She doesn't owe me her secrets. Her hidden secret that shocked the world. Oh puhleeze. I also don't have any interest in what 3 things repel men. I'm just sorry the same shit I grew up with is still filling the eyes and ears and minds of women. Let's not repel men, oh God forbid. Better advice: be you, the best you you can be, and those who enter your life, and make you glad they did, are your peeps. Let the others be repelled. Boy, I learned how to get a man too well and I must've learned how to keep one because I couldn't get rid of the one I needed to get rid of for a long-ass time. Those were the skills I lacked. I was like a kidnap victim. Still shaking it off. His 'love' was an act of hatred. I needed to learn how to slip out of a life-hold.
I am actually proud that I've given myself a nice long penis-free period of time. I needed it. I think I needed it years ago, but like many things, I'll have to take it when I can make it happen. I admit, there were times I thought I wanted to be with someone and then would be thanking God for not giving me what I had thought I wanted. In retrospect, I'd see so clearly what I was spared of. I shuddered at some of the ones I thought I wanted. It showed me my lack of growth in some areas. It also may have been a weaning off from a certain personality, so I kept attracting that type of person -- both genders -- but to lighter degrees (except for one who was crazier but, thankfully, many states away and not with money to spare and hop on planes). I learned from some of my attractions that I was better off without involvements until I can trust my ability to back off. I am okay with meeting and getting to know someone. But when I sense that this will not be a good fit, I don't always back off. I see the red flags, but I haven't always honored them. And that's how I've ended up in bad situations. I cannot control how many bad m-f's are out there or how they will behave. I can only hope to control my behavior. I realize that one of the results of my childhood is not to listen to my insides. I have been staying very conscious and obeying my insides more. The more I value my life, the easier it gets.
This past weekend was needed. At first I was glad to not have plans with anyone because I wanted the freedom to do nothing. Well I'm a little too good at doing nothing. Then I feel like crap for doing nothing when there is plenty needing doing. Then I sink further inside. It can be rich if I'm using my finds for a poem or a story or a role I'm cast in or if I'm in a therapy session, but just sitting in my shit is not how I want to be. The lower I sunk, the more scared I'd get of how low I can go. Then I'd put my foot down and get up and do something. I cleaned out part of my medicine cabinet which was so long overdue. There were pieces of fallen ceiling in there from quite a while back, lots of expired stuff, prescription painkillers I hadn't remembered I had, besides that the wall inside the cabinet needs the many layers of peeling paint scraped. I put together part of a playlist for an event we are planning at one of my jobs. That got me up and dancing. I tried to get rid of some of a ridiculously long back-up of email. I managed to trim it a bit. In there, I found a video from a doctor that demonstrated the stretch to help eliminate back pain. I did the exercise twice. He said it should be repeated 9 times. I took out four bags of garbage. I practiced not smoking cigarettes. I got through more hours than I thought I would. I responded to a casting notice for background work which I almost never apply for anymore unless I am desperate for money and it fits my schedule. Well this one offered a waiver (if you get 3, I believe you can join the union which is one, but not the only, way to become a union member). That was why I applied to play a 'parent type' in a zombie film. The first response I received said he was all out of waivers for that day but offered me a small amount of deferred pay if I'd do it and the promise of first dibs at another day of work for a waiver. No. Deferred pay is not cash in my hand or a check in a week. Background work for two days for the same waiver I would get in one day. None of it sounded worth it to me. I've done a lot more than fits on a one-page acting resume at this point and do not need it for experience. Some hours later, he got a cancellation and told me that if I was still available for the next day, he had a waiver for me. Bingo.
It would take place on a pier in Greenpoint, Brooklyn the next afternoon. I was told to dress warmly with many layers. The forecast said the high would be 30 degrees. My arm hairs stood at the thought of being on a pier, but I would wear many things. At least I wasn't told we would be playing it like it is August or anything like that. I wouldn't even put myself through that, waiver or no waiver. I'm not 20. I don't recover as fast.
To give myself stress, I was running late for the call time. The good part was that even though I had to take 3 trains, 2 of the rides were very short. When I got out in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, I was grateful that it was not windy. We were in holding (that sounds like a holding cell, but it isn't) for a couple of hours, so I was not perceived as late at all. The people, director, crew were all pleasant and respectful. We were supposed to be horrified at the sight of Manhattan bursting into flames as we watched from the pier in Brooklyn. That was the role. We did several takes, took direction well, and got the fuck out of the cold. Back at holding (a nice warm studio), we filled out our paperwork for a waiver.
It was early evening, and I didn't feel like going directly home. I went to the Olive Tree in the Village for a drink and some food. Then I surprised Su Polo at her Saturn Series poetry reading on East 15th Street. I enjoyed the open mic readers and the two featured poets. I read a poem that I read there about a year ago, but I've since edited it. I like it more now. It is clearer and tidier. It's about a young woman who lived across the street from me and I didn't know but learned about her life after she was killed by a car. Though it is very tragic, it feels therapeutic to read it aloud.
So on the third day of the three-day weekend, I was in motion.
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The winner of the two tickets to see "My Mother Has 4 Noses" will be announced tomorrow on the She So Funny Facebook page. I am torn between two contenders.
