I got an email notification that someone shared some photos of
mine on Facebook. I recognized the last
name from the NYC poetry circles. We run into each other at poetry readings a
couple of times a year. He’s known for
often having a partially naked woman on stage enacting lines of his poems. He’s been banned from a number of
places. I think he’s proud of that.
I went to his FB wall. My jaw dropped when I saw it was filled
with photos of almost naked women. I
wasn’t surprised that his wall would look like that; I just wondered how I fit
in with that scene. I’ve been penis-free
for so long. But in the minds of others,
I must be very busy. (I am busy, but with healing and working
and decluttering and creating and staying away from penile involvement.)
After many cleavages and bare butts with a masturbation photo
sprinkled in here and there, there was one of a woman in a g-string with cash
tucked in everywhere. Below that were a
couple of poetry event announcements. Then came several photos of me and a
couple of artist creations not of me but shared from my Facebook photo albums. Below that was an about-to-begin blow job
photo.
Frames matter. I felt
disgusted. I tried to see if I could
take my photos off his page since they were shared from my photos, but that
option didn’t exist. I thought of asking him to remove my photos
from his wall, but I didn’t think that would go smoothly. I felt he’d enjoy the power too much. I went to my photos. I figured if I remove them, they will
disappear from his wall too as ‘no longer available.’
I looked at each photo, and wondered why I’d be removing
them. There’s nothing negative or
embarrassing about the photos. One of
them is a favorite of mine. I showed my
buddy. He said about my pictures, “Those
are nice photos.” Then I showed them to
him on the guy’s wall. He agreed that my
photos surrounded by those other photos seemed to be making a statement. The statement might have simply been: ‘I jerk
off to all of these.’
I choose not to think about who is jerking off to thoughts of
me. It’s their private activity, and as
long as it remains private, it’s none of my business. Now it felt different. Ugh.
I feel uncomfortable because in our patriarchy, people will
come to a conclusion about me instead of about him. Then again, the truth is what matters though deception
can be powerful for the short-term. This
brings me back to the years when what others thought mattered way too much.
There is no shortage of those who will take something nice and
make it icky. I am trying to promote
myself as an actress and comic. I can’t
be removing good pictures of me.
Come join The Divorced Divas of Comedy for some hilarity this
Friday!
It speaks of him not you.
Thank you. I know that. I also know many won't see as keenly as you and I. But I can't control everything.
Certainly it does speak of him. I agree with Rhonda. Just maybe if you Google reputation defenders and see what they have to say in your defense. You may be surprised. Good luck my friend. It was great seeing you a few weeks ago.
Thank you, Robert. I was so relieved to see you. I am sorry for all you have had to endure. I never heard of Google reputation defenders. Thanks for the info. I LOVED what you wrote for the reading.