By Rhonda Hansome
For some odd
reason I decided to reconcile my checking account; oh I remember why, my checks
were bouncing like a cheerleader on a trampoline. I can’t believe I still go 6
months at a time without balancing my check record. Oh you do that too? In that case dear reader, I’ve suddenly
lost a lot of respect for you.
Over a half year some still unknown crafty son of a bitch stole money
from my account. Get this, stole my money in increments of 38 and 62 cents. Not
dollar$$. Well (s)he did siphon the occasional $3.29, but mostly 38 and 62
CENTS at a time!
It was the
perfect scam. I didn’t even notice the rip-off until I was months past the
window to be fully reimbursed by the bank. Now I’m not talking Cayman Islands bank account numbers or old
money daddy left me a trust fund numbers. My daddy never even gave me a daddy! I’m talking what I bank
after shopping the local food pantry, Goodwill and .99 Cent Store. BTW don’t buy
post-it notes or toilet paper from the .99 Cent Store. The notes don’t stick and the toilet paper
can’t wipe shi… but I digress.
Nickel and
dime thieving day after day, gets my vote as THE brilliant scam. Forget the mugged in London and owing a
$2,000.00 hotel bill for which a passport is being held hostage scam. Forget the Nigerian royalty with a
$20,000,000 inheritance offering a sizeable commission to help transfer funds
scam. The bride with cancer needs
a honeymoon scam, can’t hold a candle to the relentless pilfering of pennies
scam. It wins hands down! Be advised, in some Google+ circles I’m
known as Empress Math Anxiety. So
a penny off here, a quarter off there, on a cursory glance, looks like a simple
math error in my running totals.
Before
having my own money released to me I often have to recite the last 4 digits of
my Social Security number*, the name of my third grade teacher and eye color of
my first pet. How did this enigmatic,
genius con artist get my shekels to disappear without a check, bank card or my
secret PIN** number? I don’t know
but that mysterious virtuoso displaced my number 1 all -time admired scam
artist, Lil’ Big Jimmy. Lil’ Big Jimmy had a disarming smile and
a never fail formula. Upon leaving
the company of a new acquaintance, he’d bestow a warm pat on the shoulder,
flash a beguiling smile and say, “Eagle flies on Friday! Let me hold a five
spot ‘til then.” It wasn’t a
question, it wasn’t a command and Lil’ Jimmy always left with cash. It was a perfect scam.
*1234
**5678
