I have been drinking so much water since cutting down on cigarettes that I think I may have also lost a little weight. I’d be glad if I did. I received good advice from a former smoker. She knew from experience not to aim for zero from smoking 20-30 cigarettes a day. It did make me feel calmer than I expected to feel. I stopped being upset with myself for smoking and instead felt proud of my progress.
I’m still only buying them loose. So far, I’ve gone from 20-30 a day to 5-15 a day. I feel that if I had a pack in the house, I’d likely smoke the whole pack. Still desire it. I don’t feel sure I can maintain what I’ve achieved so far, but I’m still trying. It’s been 17 days.
A few nights ago, I returned a phone call to one of the many people to whom I owe a phone call. We spoke about a number of sad things, yet I felt good talking with her. Her view of me is so much better than my view of myself these days. We knew each other from a former job where she was a very caring counselor who really helped people. I was a popular teacher who appreciated my students and was appreciated by them. She told me I was an ass-kicker and a warrior. Though I love that vision, I told her I felt like a depressed lump. Her reaction was, “Oh NO. Not in my eyes.” I am trying to borrow her eyes.
She shared how much she loved my writing and wanted me to continue. That night, I wrote. I hadn’t realized, until later, her impact on me.
One of the things I have been working on is a collection of my experiences in adult education where I taught people who were returning to try to get their high school diploma. That night I wrote a first draft of the time I had to co-teach with someone who was very different than I am.
Several nights later, I presented it to a writing workshop which mainly focuses on poetry but allows the occasional short prose. Since the pandemic, we’ve been doing it on-line. They had so many ideas and questions and suggestions. So though I thought my piece was done, I have things to think about. The workshop folks are so helpful. Their feedback helps me try to make the piece as good and as clear as I can.
I hope to get back into comedy. I’ll let you know when there are shows I’m doing. I hope it is soon even if we are masked. I need money and laughter.
Love to CGG-M ❤❤❤
Mindy Matijasevic
