Last week, my internet, cable tv, and phone services were temporarily suspended. I had written the start of a blog, but after the NY primaries, it was dated. I had moments on a computer at my day job, but to write anything, I like to be home.
Being without the tv and internet wasn’t easy. I sleep with
the tv on. I awoke when it went off. I’ve not lost perspective. I had a place
to go home to, food, running water, hot water, electricity, good-enough health,
freedom, and my jobs. Most importantly, my beloved son, my best friend, and I
are alive and well, and for my son’s sake and my step-son’s sake, I’m also
grateful their dad is alive and well enough.
Being without those services felt a bit like fasting. I knew
it would be temporary. It felt uncomfortable and even irritating. Like any
other change, it opened up other things. I discovered videos that were in my
Dropbox. I watched myself do a stand-up set in 2008. The audience was with me
that night. I couldn’t even believe it. And I was braver than usual. I also made
myself look at the videos of my canine child on his last day. It was okay. I
had been afraid to look at pictures and videos of that day. Intellectually, I
know it is better to not run from pain but to look at it. However, I haven’t
been doing so courageously in recent months, so this was an opportunity to
disrupt some of my habits. There’s definitely value in “fasting” and I can
understand why most religions include a time for it in their practice.
In case my ex doesn’t think I suffered enough over our son, the
weight of grief is upon me every day. Every fuckin’ day.
In spite of it all, I do stand-up. I know this site is called
She So Funny, and I ain’t been funny in my blogs for a while. I will share this.
In mid-June, late on a Wednesday night, I have an audition at Broadway Comedy
Club. If I “pass,” I become one of their
paid comics they book. So I better get fuckin’ funny.
Though I am grateful to be able to survive, I’d really love to
not need 2 survival jobs, so I can get out there and do my thing!
