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    Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
    Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts

  1. Spring Cleaning (For My Brain!)

    Saturday, May 4, 2013


    By Lisa Harmon

    Springtime! The time has come to clean up the clutter of useless stuff - to shake off all the junk and get ready to move on! I started with a mental inventory! I threw out all the junk in there I didn't need – all the anger and hostility and useless emotions that were doing me no good. They're out, and the positive energy can flow right in!

    Some people don't say thank you. There's nothing I can do about that. I just let it go. I curse them under my breath, then just let it go.

     
    Some people run stop signs, and drive right up to me while I'm crossing the street. What can I do? Nothing! I just go about my business. I wish them a slow painful death then I go about my business.

    Some people are pushy and obnoxious and there's nothing anyone can do about it. I just move on. I wish a pox on their family and then I move on.
     
     
     
    Some people are such reckless drivers. There's nothing I can do about it. I just move over one lane. I wish for a good fiery crash that ejects the driver, then I check my mirrors and move over one lane.

    Some people will actually mouth off to me as if I give a flying fark what they have to say. What can I do? In one ear and out the other! Oh I flip them off and wish an anvil would fall on them, Wile E. Coyote style, but its in one ear and out the other.
     

    Some people take the garlic and oregano and red pepper flakes to their table and don't bring them back. They're rude. What can you do? I let it go. I politely ask for the pepper flakes and as I walk back to my table, I imagine throwing it in their stupid beady little eyes. Then I let it go.

     
    See, my anger is totally under control! I feel great! It is so good to move on. It is a positive step for me to put these things in perspective and keep on going. I feel like now, I'm a model of mental health and a totally chill person!

    I'm ready to take on more responsibility now that I have my head together. Maybe now I'll be allowed to pick up the mail or use the coffee maker! Wish me luck everybody! I really think things are going to start coming together for me in 2013!

    Posted by Anonymous at 3:00 AM | Labels: , , | 2 comments | |

  2. back to the stage

    Tuesday, January 15, 2013


    I was in a show where I did all right.  We all like to do better than all right.  It wasn't very attended when I was on but got fuller later.  Still, the spirit of the relatively small audience was fun.  I appreciate that.  I like that the bartender listens too.  In rerunning my performance through my head, I realized that I don't say "dick" in a neutral tone.  I say "dick" with a touch of anger.  I’ve been through too much to feel neutral yet.  I even referred to retroactive dick.  My process may seem slow, but it is sincere and usually thorough.

    So when it got to a point where there wasn't laughter where there often is, I asked, "Did I scare you?"  People laughed at that.

    I’m getting braver.  I actually attempted to sing two lines, and I sing terribly.

    Typically when I sing to myself, someone says, "What?"

    "I was singing."

    "Oh."

    It sounds so good in my head. Something awful happens between my head and how it comes out of my mouth.  But on the stage recently, I screeched out, "I've been staying away from penii, and penii's been staying away from me-e-e-e."

    Here's to taking chances.



     

    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 12:00 AM | Labels: , , , | 3 comments | |

  3. HOW TO BE NOT ANGRY*

    Saturday, January 5, 2013


    By Lisa Harmon

     *Within reason.  Results not typical.  Please check with your doctor before deciding to be NOT ANGRY.  Discontinue use if diarrhea, vomiting or rash occurs.  If you have an erection for more than four hours, you're a hack.

     As long as I can remember, I've spent all my time trying to be NOT ANGRY!  And while it is so good to be angry when I'm doing stand-up or writing my blog, being angry all the time is kind of a rotten lifestyle choice!  But for me, it is hard to be NOT ANGRY!  It seems like the only way for me to be NOT ANGRY is to avoid the things that make me angry.**

     **Including but not limited to:
    • Grape jelly
    • Poodles (standard)
    • Poodles (mini)
    • My family
    • My friends
    • The NYC subway
    • Mayor Bloomberg - thank you for extending my life so I can hate you for three extra years!
    • DIY furniture (yeah, right)
    • Software upgrades (I reiterate, yeah, right)
    • Google
    • The flavor vanilla (artificial and natural)
    • Shoes with ankle straps (I'm short enough dammit!)
    • People on the train that: fart, clip their nails, and/or eat moo shu pork
    • Religion
    • Fat clothes that all have patterns like tablecloths - I'm fat, not blind, jackass!
    • Poodles (toy)
    • Government
    • Yeast infections
    • Alternate side of the street parking
    • That overly-cutesy teddy bear from the Snuggle ads
    • Birkenstocks, Crocs AND Uggs
    • Old magazines at the doctor's office
    • When people say envelope with the French pronunciation
    • Rice cakes (its not food  - WAKE UP!)

    Even though I may be a ticking time-bomb, through avoidance of the above "triggers" I am sometimes able to extend my NOT ANGRY periods to hours and even days!  To further enhance the illusion of mental stability, I also hang around with a bunch of young, angry comics.  In that context, I seem like the very picture of mental health!

     So to sum up, if you want to be NOT ANGRY, or you just want to appear to be NOT ANGRY (to meet girls/avoid being involuntarily committed/adopt a baby/whatever your personal goal) follow my simple plan:  avoid your triggers, relax as much as possible and continue to count your blessings.

     Save your anger for the stage*** or some other creative endeavor.  That seems like the only way you can mention it without sounding like a big whiny ahole anyway!
    ***Please add punchlines first.  I hate listening to ranting, unfunny comics.  Especially when it is me!

    Posted by Anonymous at 3:30 AM | Labels: , , | 0 comments | |