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    Showing posts with label Date Me Do Me Dump Me. Show all posts
    Showing posts with label Date Me Do Me Dump Me. Show all posts
  1. I'll See It Soon By Rhonda Hansome

    Thursday, November 14, 2013


    I've been looking for a place to live since 
    August 1st 
    when I came home from touring with the rock musical
    Date Me Do Me Dump Me
    in which I played The Bar Owner.


    I am so grateful to all who have extended themselves to me during this 3 month odyssey


    during which it felt like I was having my own personal 
    Mercury In Retrograde

    Mercury Retrograde is not a crisis. It is merely an inconvenience, [unless your landlady has decided she wants to take over your apartment ASAP & you have to move & find a place within your budget, and THEN it is an incredible pain in the ass!] albeit one that occurs three (and sometimes four) times a year. Moreover, while its retrograde (Rx) period lasts for about three weeks, its stationary periods often create havoc in our lives, and the “shadow” periods that precede and follow it affect us as well.
    ... Debra Anne Clement  Italics mine!

    This Saturday I expect to see a legal sublet, the monthly cost of which hovers near my budget. The owner has not asked me to fill out forms or even requested my credit score, which is                                                                    801!!!
    By the way, during the past 3 months I've discovered that my 801 credit score plus my annual earned income combined with a                                                   
    will get me a ride on an "A" train running on the "F" line to West 4th St. where it becomes a "6" train stopping at alternate local stations to 59th St. where it will then run express to hell. 


    Today is Thursday. Let's see what Saturday brings.

     Rhonda Hansome is Carey the Casting Director in episode 2 of Black Actress by Andrea Lewis (Degrassi) and produced by Issa Rae (Awkward Black Girl) See it NOW, then tweet about @RhondaHansome




  2. I Need An Apartment By Rhonda Hansome

    Thursday, August 1, 2013

    Well, it did not resemble my tour doing stand-up opening for Anita Baker in venues like Radio City Music Hall across the country, but I did have a blast on the road as The Bar Owner in the rock musical

    Instead of two years humming songs like, Giving You The Best That I Got, You Belong To Me, and Good Love; I spent a month humming: You Suck 'Cause You Stood Me Up, I'm Not A Stalker I'm Just Calling You A Lot and Penis In My Thigh.  Yes that's right Penis In My Thigh, during which I got to lead the audience in singing along with the chorus:

    "Penis in my thigh, penis in my thigh, penis in." and  repeat!

                        I had the opportunity to work with some very talented actress- singers like...
        Leah Fox, Chelsey Keding, Leah Keele, Ashley Menard w band members Joe & Alex looking on

                We garnered a good review in Columbus, I arrived home safely, and then my landlady...

    Dear Reader you ask, "Your landlady who opened your door (in a non-emergency) and left it unlocked the entire week you were in Israel doing the Rhonda Hansome Comedy Divorced & Bitter Tour?"

    Why yes, that exact same landlady who ignored my requests for a lease and regular rent receipts. She wants me out of my apartment so she can have it - NOW.

    I need an apartment, NOW. So all three of you spread the word that I'm looking to pay $800 - $900 per month for a 1 bedroom (yeah I'm dreaming) in a not crazy neighborhood. The joke's on me. In the 9 years since I've returned to Bed-Stuy, it's become so gentrified I can't afford to live here anymore.

    If you hear of anything under $1200 a month give me a holler!!


    Rhonda Hansome is an actress, writer, director and stand-up comic. You may soon see her doing all of those things on a street corner near you.




  3. Moon Child It's Your Time!

    Thursday, July 11, 2013

    What’s your sign?

           Mine is...

     “Slippery when wet!” conjures a possible pratfall and sexual titillation.  My kind of stuff.

    Between June 21st and July 22nd falls the astrological sign

    Cancer

    I’ve never liked having what sounds like a life threatening illness as my astrological sign. To add insult to injury my birth sign symbol is a crustacean, the crab. 


    I prefer the term “Moon Child”, based on the moon being Cancer’s ruling planet.  
    It’s far more romantic and does not conjure up a debilitating battle with chemo.

    From the highly reputable (?) online source, Athena Starwoman (Starwoman?) at the Universal Psychic Guild (Psychic Guild?)  I learned the following:

    Those born under the sign of Cancer, ruled by the mysterious Moon, are one of the zodiac's enigmas. It is fair to say that most Cancers are a bundle of contradictions. Compassionate and caring with friends, family and lovers, yet they can cut to the bone with their jealous remarks and ever-changing moods. Endearingly eccentric on one hand, and on the other, insecure about how others see them. Like their astrological symbol - the Crab - Cancers can appear hard and insensitive on the outside. However, for those of us who know and love a "Moon Child", we understand that deep below lies a softness and sensitivity that makes them so very special...
    Just as the Moon goes through many changes as it moves from its new to full phases, Cancers too go through many new and full phases of experience. Life doesn't stand still for this sign, even if they remain in one place, because they live so much in their internal oceans of emotions. Their link with the Moon often makes it impossible for them to operate on an even keel from day to day. Up and down like the proverbial yo-yo, most Cancerians feel one way one minute, then sometimes totally different the next. But this characteristic is part of their charm.

    Love and romance matter more than anything else to this sign (but this occasionally shares first place with having lots of money in the bank). No other sign romances better, equally though, no sign takes it so badly when romance turns sour either. But with their changeable natures Cancerians are fascinating, mysterious, stimulating and extremely alluring. This sign is one of the most magic of all and once their magic has reached you, they are the most beguiling companions. After all, isn't the Moon the most talked about and romantic galactic identity?

    Dear Reader, even though on the rare occasion I can be a 
    crabby

     bitch,
    I do possess ALL of the fabulous magical, mysterious qualities Athena Starwoman attributes to my “endearingly eccentric” sign. 


    I'm having a ball this year
    as I wish to every fellow and sister Moon Child.


    Rhonda Hansome is a stand-up comic, writer, director and actress.  See her live on stage playing the Bar Owner in the touring rock musical, Date Me Do Me Dump Me.
     

  4. What an American holiday – July 4th.   One Independence Day sticks in my mind.  Years, actually decades ago in Alabama, specifically Hogs Hollow, where via Greyhound Bus I’d been sent to visit my Aunt Rosie.  My mother’s sister lived on a back woods farm and did have hogs that hollered, loud continuous grunts.  No Dear Reader, this city girl had never seen live hogs in a pen nor used an out-house before.  Have you?
    If you’ve never used an old country out-house, think of the last time you were in a Porto-San.  Replace the molded plastic surrounding you with slats of rickety wood you can see through.  Now think, “How could having my underwear around my ankles in this putrid, 2’ x 5’ box be MORE UNCOMFORTABLE?”  Got a picture?  Now add a wasp’s nest decorating the ceiling and on the floor, instead of Cottonelle toilet paper, a Sears and Roebuck catalogue for wiping.

    I was neck deep in back country living.  I’m talking moonshine, which my Aunt Rosie called White Lightning and sold in Mason Jars, dirt roads and drawing water from a well.  I was a 10 years old from the North.  A Brooklyn (Bed-Stuy) going to Catholic school with white kids gal spending the summer in the segregated South .  
    It was a hot, non-airconditioned July 3rd and I asked Aunt Rosie what I could do the following day?  She mentioned my cousins would be picking cotton the next day to earn money to buy school clothes.  I thought picking cotton could be fun.  In all the movies I’d seen with folks picking cotton, they were singing as the fluffy balls of white swayed around them.  How bad could it be?


    My first inkling was a 4 AM wake up shout to get out of bed so we could make it to the fields by 5 that morning.  After my crack of dawn trip to indulge in the amenities of the aforementioned out-house I was in a truck with a gaggle of cousins and on my way to pick cotton.

    At the cotton field I was given a sack, about as long as I was tall, to loop over my shoulder.  I was pointed to a row and told to pick.  No demo, no pre-cotton picking snack, just row after row of raw cotton on low hanging, (surprise!) prickly vines stretching out to the horizon.

    I stepped into my row and noticed my 5 year old cousin June Bug and EVERYONE else was about three city blocks ahead of me.  I adjusted my gunny sack for the nth time and reached to pluck a cotton boll.  It was resistant to my untrained hand.  The multiple pricks on the vine attacked my lower extremities and dared me to touch the softness that billowed above them.  I looked to the row on my left for cousin June Bug whose gunny sack shimmied along the dusty earth at an alarming rate as she captured cotton boll after cotton boll with incredible precision for a 5 year old.

    I finally got the first boll of cotton in my sack and thought of my friends and cousins in Brooklyn in
     Coney Island or Prospect Park for a day of hijinks, hot dogs and fireworks.



    My nearly empty sack trailed behind me as visions of Coney Island’s surf, Playland rides and cotton candy danced in my head.  By 10 AM I was hot, tired and convinced there was nothing to sing about in these cotton fields.  I tried to use the financial incentive of a dollar a pound to keep my cotton picking  motivated, but to no avail. I wanted the cooling comfort of an open fire hydrant on my block.


     Maybe a cherry shaved ices from the ices man or a simple game of jacks on the stoop; anything but this cotton picking - cotton picking!

    At noon a bell rang calling pickers to water dipped from a bucket.  My cousins suddenly appeared with bulging sacks of cotton in tow.  After my noon time sip of water I knew I could not and would not return to my woefully un - harvested row of cotton.  I quietly asked for my sack to be weighed and took my two quarters earned.  

    I was homesick and sick of cotton.  The paltry fifty cents I’d “worked” for was little consolation as I cried in the shade of the only tree for miles.  The unrelenting rows of cotton mocked me as I pined for the concrete joys of Bed-Stuy.  

    At dusk I tumbled into the truck with my cousins and thought , “My birthday’s only six days away, there’ll be celebrating THAT day!”  I’d be wrong again…


    Happy 4th of July!!!


    Rhonda Hansome is a comedian, writer, director and actress.  You can see her live on stage as the Bar Owner / Host  in Date Me Do Me Dump Me July 5th, 18-21 & 26-28.   Look for information about her documentary film Drama Mamas, celebrating black women theater directors..  

  5. Subtle tones of incense softly caress the air.  An exuberant brook glides over embracing stones.  Blissful birds circle the sky calling to the universe. And then the meditative quiet is broken by the chant of a revered leader.  

    He urges racial purity, restrictions on intermarriage and mob violence!?!?  Wait a minute.  Is this a gathering of no-hoods saffron robed KKK?  

    No, it’s just your everyday Burmese radical Buddhists.

    Ashin Wirathu
    (center) speaks at a clergy gathering

    Myanmar banned a recent issue of Time magazine, featuring a cover story of Wirathu, a Buddhist monk accused of fueling religious violence.  Religious violence / Buddhist monk...

    I’m sorry, that does not compute.

    Sandal shod, shaved head monks calling for violence?  The cognitive dissonance I’m experiencing around this issue is more confounding than the ageless question, “What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

    Yes, I guess my stereotypical thinking rears its bald Buddhist head when it comes to my (formerly) soothingly exotic ideas about this group.  And yes, some of my best friends ARE Buddhist.


    Spending time with Angela Scott is a cherished opportunity to breathe a fragrant multi-hued bouquet of comedy. She has worked with the greats, Cosby, Townsend, Mooney and many more.  She’s an encyclopedia of inside humor history.  

    Angela Scott can recount endlessly, tales of comedy world woe and wonder as experienced by the giants and the not so tall of our industry.  She has worked with them all and Dear Reader for her eternally ebullient personality, she is beloved by each and every one.  My pal for decades, since we were fledgling actors at the original Negro Ensemble Company, when it was ensconced on St. Mark’s Place (a creative outpost) in New York City’s East Village, my friend Angela Scott is a Buddhist.

    Although I’m no longer married to Phil, I am grateful for the fellowship the loving family of my erstwhile spouse, continues to extend to me.  And by way of extended family - Phil’s 1st cousin’s 3rd husband – Seth Segall is my valued friend. 


    This Existential Buddhist, retired psychologist has an appreciation of music as vast as his unencumbered embrace of humanity.  

    Seth Segall is the least pissed off person I know.  One day he lost track of his wallet at a play we attended.  I immediately began mentally cursing and counting the scores of phone calls I’d have to make to thwart the nefarious scheme of whoever might find MY wallet should it be discovered.  All the while Seth remained calm and after making the inquiries possible at the venue, he went on with our evening with little more mentioned about his wallet.

    So when I read of  anti-Muslim mob violence, fueled by radical Buddhist rhetoric you can understand that I sit shaking my head. 

    Rhonda Hansome is an actress, writer, director and stand-up comic. You can see her All July as the Bar Owner in Date Me Do Me Dump Me, a new musical coming to a bar near you.

  6. Happy Juneteenth by Rhonda Hansome

    Thursday, June 20, 2013

    Dr. Joy DeGruy (Formerly Leary) spent a dozen years of research developing her theory of Post Traumatic Slavery Syndrome.  P.T.S.S. is a condition arising from the multi-generational oppression of Africans and their descendants resulting from centuries of chattel slavery.  This systemic subjugation was based on the belief of the inherent / genetic inferiority of the enslaved. 


    Even after the Emancipation Proclamation, this ingrained, economically beneficial belief enabled and sanctioned institutionalized racism and its accompanying injury.

    We Americans don’t talk very much about the present day effects of our history of enslavement.  Even the release of a movie like Django Unchained, does not spark a national examination of conscience regarding the pernicious dehumanization of a people; let alone a discussion on the residual effects manifest today.


    According to Juneteenth.com, Juneteenth is the oldest celebration commemorating the end of slavery in the United States.  On June 19th 1865 union solders, led by Major General Gordon Granger, arrived in Galveston, Texas with the news the war had ended and the enslaved were free.  So two years AFTER the Emancipation Proclamation the declaration was made real in Texas and June 19th became a regular day of celebration for many black Americans.

    My feeling is that Juneteenth should be a national day of observance.  A day to look at this nightmare episode of our collective history - how far we have come from slavery and how far we still have to go towards healing. 


    Happy Juneteenth America!


    Rhonda Hansome is an actress, writer, director and stand-up comedian.  Watch her as the Bar Owner in  the promo for Date Me Do Me Dump Me  the musical on tour this summer.