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  1. How I'm Doin'

    Monday, July 27, 2020






    I enjoy the sensation of running my fingers through my just washed and dried hair.  So soft and smooth and clean.

    I’ve been pushing through molasses.  My big accomplishments today were taking out garbage, buying food, washing my hair, buying dental floss, walking up the stairs instead of taking the elevator, and returning one phone call.  If you saw/knew my situation, you’d agree that much more needs to happen.





    There are folks who don’t think they are doing much, but they ARE, in my opinion.

    My friend Leighann Lord, who normally does stuff like this:  



    is now doing things like this:  





    People are zooming shows and open mics, and I’m just trying to de-clutter, clean, eat, not lose another tooth, return phone calls and emails (I’ve been awful about that), write a poem once a week, come up with comedy material every now and then, live in spite of too much heartache and way too little money.

    I was asked if I wanted to participate in a socially distant dating show.  I said, “Nah. I don’t want to date. It’s more dangerous than COVID-19.”

    One day, I fell in and out of sleep all day and had intense dreams -- the kind I was relieved to wake up from and realize they were dreams. 

    Last night, I had pasta at 3:50AM.  That’s how I’m doing.


    Love to CGG-M always. 💕  

    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 6:00 AM | Labels: , , , | 3 comments | |




  2. I am proud to say I de-cluttered for over an hour yesterday.  Without getting caught up in reading them, I tore up letters from a relationship from 1979.  Amongst the letters were a few interesting items.  One was a photo of me at a Halloween party on Heath Avenue in the Bronx where I was dressed as a mermaid.  I had made the costume.  I was probably a size 5 at that time.  Back then, I wanted to get to a size 9.  Now I’d like to be anywhere in that zone.




    Yesterday, I was waiting to enter a store that lets in one customer at a time.  I appreciate that they do that.  A man, unmasked, was near me outside the store and not keeping distance.  He was speaking on the phone and, I’m sure, generating droplets.  He stood right near me.  I don’t assume it is not caring.  I got the feeling he was clueless and simply unaware of himself.  I had a jacket on due to the drizzling.  I lifted up my jacket and hid my face from his breath.  I used my jacket as a curtain.  He was so engrossed in his conversation, I don’t think he noticed.  I didn’t say anything to him.  But all this shit worries me.  There are only a few stores in my immediate neighborhood that take such precautions.  They both catch hell from idiots.  My pharmacist told me those people’s brains are turned upside down. 

    “Like the country and the president,” I said.  She nodded but was careful not to say anything.  The places that actually care to keep us safe catch all the hell.

    I hope I didn’t make myself sick when I decluttered.  My throat feels a bit sore.  I gargled with Listerine when I first felt it.

    I saw my feline friend, Mustache, twice today at the discount store.  We had two love sessions.  It feels like therapy for both of us.  Goddess knows, I need it.  And judging from Mustache’s reaction to me, she needs it too.

    Sprinkled into my lethargy have been some bright moments.  The publisher of Home Planet News accepted all four short poems I sent him for their November publication.  The director of City Lore requested one of my poems about living through the pandemic to be included in their archives. 

    I do look forward to being able to earn money.  I had some ease from a tax refund, but that has ended.  I’m f’d again.  I could really use another relief check from the government.  I’m sure most people need it.  I can’t wait to have the orange one voted out.  He’s even killing off some of his own base with his insanity.  That’s what happens when image is more important than reality.

    I was part of a poetry event on July 9th that was done through zoom.  I don’t have a webcam or mic in my desktop computer.  So I didn’t think I could be part of it.  The woman organizing the event, Lucy Aponte (Director of the Poe Park Visitors’ Center), knows me and wanted me in it.  She was so accommodating.  Lucy told me I could call in.  So while I can see and hear everyone else, they couldn’t see me.  They heard me on the phone.  The event was great.  The line-up, so talented.  Lucy has good taste.  Aside from poetry, there was a piano performance of two Beatles’ songs and a Tango for two men dance performance.  After the presentations, there was time for getting to know each other.  One of the very talented writers, Maria Aponte, spoke on all the accents she heard and how the “woman on the phone” sounded like New York.  I was the “woman on the phone.”  I was so thrilled.  There are too many people out there (who consider themselves progressive) who think I should lose my Bronx accent.  At a past teaching job, the administrative staff wouldn’t say it directly, but they considered it acceptable to mimic and mock my Bronx accent.  We worked in the Bronx, and they didn’t even have any awareness of how much they disrespected Bronx people/students.  Fuck that.  I am able to sound less Bronx and would do it for an acting role, but as a real person, I like sounding like where I come from.  A poet I know, Rosette Capotorto, a Bronx Italian who moved to New Jersey, said she vowed to never lose her Bronx accent.  I loved her more after I read that.


    Love to CGG-M ❤❤❤


    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 3:28 PM | Labels: , , | 6 comments | |

  3. Doing Something

    Sunday, June 21, 2020



    It’s been a while, I know.  In so many ways I feel like I’m pushing through molasses.  There are so many things I’ve neglected.  In those ways, I depress myself.

     

    Day after day, it’s one horror after another.  Yet I still watch the news.  I still read the news. 

     

    Some days ago, my buddy and I decided to try having breakfast together at an outdoor diner in Yonkers.  I actually sat in his car which I hadn’t in months.  The place in Yonkers did everything right.  The paper menus were one-use only and then tossed.  The tables were disinfected and more than 6 feet apart in their parking lot which they turned into a tent by having a tarp providing shade.  The wait staff was masked, gloved, and seemed glad to be working. 

     

    At some point, I walked to the curb to have a cigarette.  I was staring at the traffic.  Across the street, a white man sat in his double-parked car.  It seemed he was waiting for someone.  A black man entered his own parked vehicle, but was having difficulty getting his car out of the spot.  He got out, walked over to the double-parked car and said something.  The white man nodded, started his car and pulled up, giving the other man more room.  The black man was able to get his car out, and he drove off.  Nothing about this would have gotten my attention normally since this was an ordinary event, but it struck me because of the man who fell asleep in his car at a Wendy’s drive-thru.  Nobody, to my knowledge, knocked on his window to say, “You have to move your car” or “You’re holding up the line.”  Instead the police were called, and I don’t have to tell you what that led to.  Another death of an unarmed black man by the police. 

     

    What has chilled me most has been the hangings.  It really got to me when a noose was hanging from a tree in Van Cortland Park in my Bronx.  When I read the article, it got worse.  Bronx people reported it to the 50th precinct.  The police response was infuriating. 

     

    https://gothamist.com/news/reports-nooses-van-cortlandt-park-met-nypd-indifference-bronxites-allege?fbclid=IwAR1bD5lQF6yO2DrZqIxrlncwIompystAOL-kAwsa7DdP_lNNOU32JebrH2Y

     

    I was awake much of the night.  The image was haunting me.  I felt helpless until I didn’t.  I realized I could do something right from my living room.  I sent the link to my local, well-respected newspaper.  I asked them to please follow up on the police indifference.  This morning, I received an email from them thanking me and informing me they are investigating. 

     

    It felt better to know that even if I can’t risk being in crowds marching, I can still do something. 

     

     


    Much love and concern for CGG-M.  ❤


    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 1:15 PM | Labels: , | 4 comments | |

  4. We Get What We Get

    Tuesday, May 26, 2020













    Hey everyone.  It seems my sense of smell has returned.  I do the armpit test.  Yep.  It’s working.  I will get an antibody test one of these days.  I am just so grateful I’m more okay than not.  So far, I’ve been very lucky.


    Governor Cuomo warms my heart.  I don’t think he’s easy or mellow or 
    perfect, but I love that he’s real, loves his mom and family, and knows that loving is part of “NY Tough.”  I love that he reminds us that our masking and distancing and staying inside brought the death numbers down.  He gives credit where it’s due.  I also love that he once said about the orange one, “How many times do I have to thank him for doing his job?”


    Cuomo has guts.  Plus he’s going to talk with the orange one tomorrow (Wednesday) in D.C.  I think the orange one must feel somewhat jealous of the self-assuredness and leadership qualities of Cuomo.  Talking facts, admitting when he doesn’t know something, considering mistakes a chance to learn something, loving his children and mother, ya know, all that scary shit.


    When I go outside and see the vast majority in masks, I feel Cuomo’s 
    attitude has something to do with that.  Today he said that masks are “cool” and that we can coordinate them with our outfits and be creative.  He must’ve been a good dad.  I love his pride when he speaks of his daughters.  If I’d had a father like him, my life would have gone so differently.  Oh well.  We get what we get.  I never got to meet my father.  My grandmother told me he held me and said, “The baby looks like me.”  He ate an apple and called her “Mom.”  My aunt Gilda (the 4th born; my mother was the 5th born) once told me, “Your mother liked class.  Your father was a classy man.”  There’s a lot more to that story.  Not now.


    I don’t have a webcam or mic in my computer.  That was fine with me until 
    now when it is a real limitation.  I can only witness a zoom happening.  I can write in the chat, but I can’t be heard or seen.  So, on-line auditions are no auditions for me.


    I’ve been watching Debbie Bazza’s Mon.-Fri. 4pm Facebook Live show 
    pretty regularly.  I realized that one of the things I enjoy is seeing her whole face, smiles included.  Aside from that, I like Debbie, and I think she’s pretty hilarious.  She’s a Bronx girl as I am.  She’s also someone with a good heart as I am.  We don’t see eye-to-eye on everything, but when it is safe to hug again, I want to hug her.  If you don’t know Debbie Bazza, here’s a clip of her doing her thing on the comedy stage.  Enjoy.









    So much love to and concern for CGG-M.  💕










    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 7:00 PM | Labels: , , , , , | 2 comments | |







  5. I’m still not 100% back to normal.  But I remain grateful that if what I have is the virus, I am being spared of what so many have gone through and are going through.  I have a long-lasting cold, cough, and a recurring head ache (I was never much of a head ache person) and still can’t fully smell things.  When it began, I also had pain in my lower abdomen.  That didn’t last long, and I am extremely grateful.  Though I’m cold, I am not shivering like I did in the beginning.  It’s been three weeks so far.  Some of the time, I really feel okay.  I actually look forward to getting a test at some point for the antibodies.


    A doctor who spoke on television said that the lost sense of smell usually 
    returns at the pace that a fingernail grows.  I was glad to hear that, so I know what to expect.  I burned incense and was able to smell it to some degree.


    So one of Trump’s personal valets tested positive for COVID-19, and 
    Trump got very angry that it got that close to him.  This particular valet served Trump his meals.  Now Trump gets tested daily.  Doctors, nurses, EMTs, delivery people, MTA workers are still waiting for a test.  But someone who is a last responder gets a daily test.  He should go work in the meat plant to save the economy.  He can bring his bleach for lunch. 




     

    We need a human being in the prez seat, not a humanoid. 


    When he said that his heart goes out to the family of the jogger who was 
    shot and killed in Georgia, I blurted, “What heart?”


    Yet another benefit of being penis-free:

    https://www.wsj.com/articles/coronavirus-is-found-in-semen-of-covid-19-patients-11588863600?fbclid=IwAR01jTZ5sgnpotThR6VpZgceEPAypkL3OPENCuRVf4JuPOo7D9DqsoVn_C4



    Gotta love this woman:







    Much 💕 to CGG-M.


    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 10:16 AM | Labels: , , , , , | 2 comments | |





  6. People, let's survive this.  I can't bear what's going on and how many lives 
    are being taken.  I can't bear the inhumanity of the orange one and his lemmings.


    A week and a half ago, my friend Judy was coming to the Bronx and told
    me she also wanted to stop by the front of my building to give me a care 
    package.  I was sure I needed everything she put in there.  It was the 
    first time in years that we didn’t hug.  L  She handed me two heavy shopping bags and a mask her sister made.  The mask is cloth and flowery.  It is my dressed-up mask.  In the bags:  juice, towel paper, wine, toilet paper, tuna fish, candy, pastas, tissues, witch hazel wipes, vitamins, Clorox, apples, bananas, soaps, oatmeal, etc.  I couldn’t believe it.  I texted her:  You spent a fortune!  Later, she told me she filled the bags from extra items she had in the house.  Wow.  It is such a boost to feel cared about.  ♥ Judy has an exceptionally big heart generally.  She was once on the path to be a nun.  I'm so glad she changed route.  She's much more fun as a civilian.  It was something about those who feel lust and those who murder going to the same fate that didn't sit well with her.  Thank God/dess.


    For the past seven days, I have not been feeling well.  I go from freaking 
    out about it to thinking I’m just sick (which is possible without having the virus).  The symptoms have changed every two days.  I looked up the symptoms to see if they are symptoms of the virus.  Some are and some aren’t.  And even the ones that are can also be symptoms of other things.  My breathing is (my) normal.  That’s the main thing, I believe.  But for the past two days, I don’t smell anything – including strong coffee, good weed, my armpits.  I know better than to believe my armpits smelled the same before and after a shower.  Loss of taste and smell are symptoms of the virus.  But then again, when we have a cold, the sense of smell is affected.  Driving myself nuts is not unique to the virus.  I can do that on most any day.


    I do feel hunger, and I eat.  Grandma would consider that a “very good 
    sign.”  In this case, I agree.  ❣


    I miss doing comedy shows.  I know all my brother and sister comics do 
    too.  If I am a survivor of this pandemic, and if I get on a comedy stage again, will I still be funny?  I miss paid acting gigs (even if it’s sometimes background work).  I need the money.  But I wouldn't go to a crowd scene now even if it were permitted.



    My buddy Bob (my unofficially adopted brother) did me a big favor yesterday.  It was the last day of April, and I had to get April’s rent check to the management office.  The buses are free, but I was feeling lousy, so he offered to take it there for me.  I brought the check downstairs to him, came back up, and went back to sleep.  Bob is a gift in my life.  I always felt God/dess and Grandpa had something to do with such a gift.  🌈 🌈 🌈 ðŸŒˆ 🌈 🌈 🌈 


    In this time of the pandemic, my tendency to be a bit hermit-like goes 
    unnoticed.  I don’t have to analyze why I’m like this. 


    Those of you who know me know that, in general, I try to mind my business and not look for trouble, but there’s always some drama happening making me have to look over my shoulder. The internet just told me that single Asian girls are looking for me.  Why?  I didn’t do anything to them.  Geez. 


    😄




    ❤ to CGG-M.




    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 7:34 PM | Labels: , , , , , , , | 5 comments | |

  7. Life in Spite of the Big Orange Cloud

    Sunday, April 19, 2020











    I am so happy to share that I heard on the news there’s an animal shelter somewhere in Florida where there were so many animal adoptions that, for the first time in its history, the shelter cages are all empty!  That made my heart feel so good.  




    💚💛💜


    I made the mistake of having the orange one on the TV earlier this evening.  Then it hit me – I can change the channel.  Now I’ve been listening to Law & Order for a while.  I say listening because I’m not really watching.  I’m heating food, drinking wine, writing, and occasionally looking up at the TV.  A crime drama is less disturbing than listening to the liar-in-chief.  







    Every day that I feel pretty normal (healthwise), I am so grateful.  I do continue to go outside an average of once a day.  Masked and gloved.  I love getting rid of the garbage.  It’s a meaningful theme in my personal development.  It also means I’m de-cluttering to some degree.  And as my Grandma used to say, “Where there’s garbage, it means people are eating.”  On the same outing, I buy what I need from the nearby stores.  I take pleasure in seeing the dogs in the neighborhood.  Most are so happy and in the moment no matter what the humans are dealing with.  I miss four-legged furry sincere love.  The only thing stopping me from adopting a shelter animal is money for upkeep (food, vet bills, etc.).



    When I go through my lock-down inconveniences, I remind myself that it 
    beats having the virus, needing medical care, etc., etc. 








    Governor Cuomo said we need leadership that acts quickly and smartly.  
    Too bad the orange one only cares about bigly.  You know who cares that much about bigly?  Someone with a smally.
















    Stay okay, people.  I pray my son is taking care of himself.




    Love to CGG-M ❤







    Posted by Mindy Matijasevic at 10:12 PM | Labels: , , , | 4 comments | |